I had an invite the other day to what should be a really kickin’ party, election night in Sydney, with a hard-hitting crew of top shelf degenerates. I said no. I’m still traumatised from my last election party. I don’t have the same, sick doom-struck feeling of impending negation and absolute suckage that came over me about forty-eight hours out last time. But ...
I don’t feel anything except a sort of vague, free-floating anxiety and preemptive nausea.
This isn’t a warning, though. It’s just me and my feels.
As William Goldman said of the movie business, back when it was a legitimate business, “Nobody knows anything.” He embiggened this thought by adding that not a single person in the entire motion picture industry knew for sure what was going to work. Everything was a guess. An educated one if you were lucky, but still a guess.
That’s where we are now, in the realm of guessing, wish fulfilment and JB’s feels.
That’s why I said no to a party I hope will turn into an epic debauch, with everyone drunk as lords and charging into the street to crash-tackle turfed out Liberal cabinet ministers like eight hundred pound gorillas falling on some poor Under-7s soccer munchkin.
But nobody knows nothing in this lousy business and don’t let them tell you otherwise.
All I have now is hope.
Hope that people remember what it was like when half the continent burned and the population of whole towns ran into the sea to save themselves under apocalyptic blood fire skies.
Hope that enough of them remember this gurning dodgewanker with his artfully lacquered lump of coal, and that some significant percentage of them can draw a short straight line from one back to the other.
I hope that at least some people filling out their ballots tomorrow ponder the way we have tumbled down the global corruption and transparency rankings to hang out with that renowned beacon of virtuous governance, our new bestie… Uruguay!
I wonder if anyone will think about what it means that 40% of the appointments to the Administrative Appeals Tribunal are now purely political; literally, mates of Scotty who scored a well paid gig rubber-stamping his shittest decisions.
Gonna guess not, but.
Honestly, who fucking knows what goes through most people’s minds when they get into the booth?
A fair number of them are probably already thinking more about the burned, greasy offal tube on slightly stale white bread they’re gonna inhale afterwards. That, or Anna-Spargo Ryan’s Mars Bar slice.
It’s possible, I suppose, that there’s plenty who could knowingly and rationally cast a vote for a corrupt, incompetent and morally fucknuckulated government; rich people who really like not paying tax; the religious bigot community; forty percent of the Administrative Appeals Tribunal. They’ve all got good reason to vote LNP.
For everyone else, however, Magic Eight Ball says, ‘Are you fucking crazy?’
Setting aside policy, because fuck knows Smoko has, this guy, this fucking guy, is not fit for office. It’s not just that he always leaves everything until it’s too late and then decides to jump in with both left feet and fuck it all up six ways from Sunday—think fires, floods, vaccines, quarantine, aged care, the housing market and geostrategic competition. It’s not just that he’s a compulsive liar with a psychopath’s self belief that he can convince you 2+2=5. It’s not that his path to power alway seems to rely on setting one group of people against another, creating just enough wiggle room for him to squeeze his worthless arse through. It’s not simply his weird default to abuser language — ‘I’m sorry I’m a bulldozer but I just loves you so much I can’t help meself’…
It’s That He Is Not Worthy Of The Job.
Every Prime Minister in living memory was a flawed man or woman who nonetheless tried to bring the best of themselves and their understanding of the world to the job we gave them. Most of them failed in some ways and succeeded in others. They all had some vision for a better future, even though the paths to such futures veered off in wildly different directions and led to very different places. Even crazy Tony Abbott believed in what he was doing.
But this guy?
This fucking guy?
He believes in nothing beyond his own entitlement to a cushy gig he mostly can’t be fucked doing, and the deference he thinks himself owed because, as he will tell you at the drop of a fucking hat, “I am the Prime Minister.”
I really, really, really hope he’s not able to say that anymore come Sunday morning.
For the first time in about 30 years, my vote might actually count for something. We haven't moved, it's just that our electorate (Higgins) has gone from deep blue to a three-way stoush. It'd be fantastic if we could possibly play some small part of turfing out the kleptocrats and gaslighters.
But, I know where you're coming from - how could Labor possibly lose to the bunch on the other side? (Answer - they always manage to find a way...). And what does it say about us as a country if they do lose? This is the quote that sums it up for me at the moment: “Hope is a dangerous thing. Drive a man insane.”
John: I have sent this to an Aussie writer friend who lives in Greece - her own anxieties re Saturday stronger than your own. I have written back that it is impossible for the LNP to be returned - that yesterday's polls suggesting the divergence in favour of the ALP was narrowing was merely for the purpose of newspapers to sell papers/subscriptions - by creating anxiety - fear-mongering if you will - and/or to deviously suggest that the LNP mob were likely to win - that such suggestions - typical of Murdoch/NewsCorp/SkyNews - were NOT honest ... to remain calm.
I have also used the SHARE to post this to my FaceBook page. With the following intro:
One of Australia's great writers - and so clear-eyed in his unregulated and creative use of English in defining the LNP nasties (Nazis?) who have so destroyed decency and any "aspirations" for Australia to be a better society - in favour of selfishness and greed. All hail, John Birmingham!
This will be the 10th federal election I have voted in, and I've been shades of disappointed from slightly to bitterly after 7 of them. The fact that one of those 7 was my first election and - raised by a moderate conservative Liberal father, I voted for John Hewson - is neither here nor there. I was only slightly disappointed he didn't win. But undoubtedly the worst elections were the ones where I couldn't see what was coming, like 2019.
All the signs pointed to a change of government, and Labor had an impressive reform agenda crucial to the future health of the country. Surely people could see that? After 6 years of destruction and clusterfuckery it seemed a fait accompli that Australia would change course. I even saw Mr Unpopular Bill Shorten on Q&A two weeks before the election and thought "he actually looks like he might be a decent PM if he performs like that". And then within 30 mins of the polls closing the despair set in. Oh fuck, Australia really wants another 3 years of these jokers???
So, I have abandoned all hope for tomorrow. I am assuming Lord Scummo and his Merry Band of Coruptioneers will be back with their snouts in the trough of our money again on Monday. I've been let down too many times to think otherwise.
The best result for Australia would be a minoity Labor govt with the balance of power in both Houses controlled by progressive independents. We need to break down the two-party system and rebuild government by concensus in its place if we are to avoid the political polarisation tearing the US apart, and slowly but surely headed our way if a majority of us continue to indulge the delusion that elections are a contest of red vs blue. But I am assuming it'll be a victory for corruption and incompetence. Seyla.
I'm working at a polling booth in a safe Labor seat. Hopefully I'll be very busy until it's all over. But, yeah, not optimistic. This government shouldn't even be in the running. It should have been kicked out of power via by-election due to ministers being sacked years ago.
For an old, dyed in the wool adman, the liar from the shires whole modus operandi is based on propaganda. His whole life has been focused on the life and times of Edward Bernays, who has always been under the sway of his uncle Sigmund Freud, so he knows how to hypnotise a crowd.
Edward has spent his whole life persuading people to buy baubles and trinkets, which they never really desired.
His royal smugness has kept a framed photo of Eddy on his office desk, in his reflective moments one could find him fondling the frame.
The PM's official photographer is recuperating in a rest home after trailing in the wake of the John Howard offspring wherever he went, including that incident in Engadine Maccas thunder box. The accumulated snap shots have grown into a behemoth, so big that the cloud has become overwhelmed. Googles fee has grown so large that it will have to be incorporated into the next budget.
It's rumoured that he will make his one and only apology for being such a great leader that the country will never be the same after his reign of God given guidance.
Now that Ruperts regiment have been quietly placing ScoMos hand picked ideologues and camp followers into all the important positions in the in the halls of power, we can expect the dark hand of the incumbents to be an omnipresent miasma that will always effect a predicted outcome.
Rest In Peace, all those who were overwhelmed by Robdebt.
“In brief, we govern by a mixture of lying and bullying.”
I'm sorry to hear mate. I really hope we kick the scum out too. Most I know do.
But...
I've gotta think that since he's screwed over almost the entire population, that voters will at least try to vote to save their medical or teaching jobs etc.
And I really do wonder if those blank-eyed hero worshippers clapping his speeches on are just a tiny cult-like fan base.
Still, whatever happens, we move on.
Raising my glass to us all waking up next week with clear eyes and a spring in our step.
Similar feeling of anxiety, planning how to cope if he slides in (burning Murdock stuff to the ground is current plan). I am desperately hoping for the best but with the independent running against Freyenburg Monique Ryan securing a change to the election laws at the 11rh hour so the covid bound can vote, surely that's gotta seal Joshies fate.
And as Victorian may I say, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out Joshie.
Go to the party. They're home and hosed. Hopefully in coalition with the Greens. I spent some time at the early voting with the Greens mob. There is definitely an anti Morrison sentiment happening but there was also a bit of Palmer vibe which I found unnerving.
Just read this now and had a brief flash back to yesterday's anxiety, not that it lasted long.
Great article because it built to your final unassailable point quite well; the dickhead was never fit for office.
He was never fit as an MP let alone a front bencher, Treasurer or (can't type it).
While I would never presume to suggest your next topic ( while exactly doing so ), how about a McLennan-level diatribe on how great ICAC will be? In the Twitter flood of the last 24 hours, I apologise for forgetting the source, but some young wag suggested that the ABC get funded to broadcast a 24hour ICAC channel.
I hope Labor remember how personal ambition and backstabbing finished them last time. To get in with one of the lowest primary votes since 1911 shows that the voters still remember.
Bugger me. If Labor don't get up this time, even a week-long bender with a hard-hitting crew of top shelf degenerates consuming weapons-grade liquor won't be enough to get me through the next three years. Seriously people, how can it be this close? Decency and a vision for a better future vs more corruption and business as usual.
What's more, I'm in a very safe Liberal seat and it's incredibly depressing knowing that my vote is not going to count for anything except one less vote for Kevin fucking Andrews.
Thanks John. You've helped immeasurably with my mental health. You have said the things I've wanted to say but couldn't invent the language required to say them. Now if Albo wins tomorrow, I will be - finally - happy.
How good is it to live in a marginal electorate Scotty?!
Especially when little Timmy "but-think-of-the-franking-credits" Wilson is your local member and he's had to max out his brown underpants allowance in anticipation of becoming an ex-MP (although he'll probably score a sweet-as gig on the AAT when the conservatives get back in).
Gee I hope that sound I hear is people sharpening their baseball bats (if you'll pardon the mixed metaphor).
Gotta say JB, that stale bread wrapping the greasy offal tube I ate on Saturday afternoon seems now, in hindsight, superior to the freshest Lembas, or the most recently descended manna.
JB I couldn’t read this last Saturday. I was really unwell and actually couldn’t even stay up to see results. I just read it today and you nailed exactly how I was feeling. Feelings of absolute hopelessness, disempowerment and exhaustion. Like when you have been through a trauma or natural disaster which I have - bushfires. I woke up early Sunday checked the initial results and couldn’t comprehend it. Australia has been woken up. Not sure about the Aldi Liberals (teals) or Labor but any improvement can’t be a bad thing. The people have spoken. Now for recovery- because that’s what it feels like.
This isn't a great result. The two party preferred numbers suggest that our country is still almost exactly divided in half. It's going to be very messy for a while I think. We need to start taking our coal exports into consideration when calculating Australias per capita greenhouse emmissions. Only then will the public understand the true extent of Australia's contribution to climate change. Also we need to urgently explain to people what closing down our second biggest export earner will do to their standard of living. It's called being honest. I'm not sure that we can handle the truth though
For the first time in about 30 years, my vote might actually count for something. We haven't moved, it's just that our electorate (Higgins) has gone from deep blue to a three-way stoush. It'd be fantastic if we could possibly play some small part of turfing out the kleptocrats and gaslighters.
But, I know where you're coming from - how could Labor possibly lose to the bunch on the other side? (Answer - they always manage to find a way...). And what does it say about us as a country if they do lose? This is the quote that sums it up for me at the moment: “Hope is a dangerous thing. Drive a man insane.”
John: I have sent this to an Aussie writer friend who lives in Greece - her own anxieties re Saturday stronger than your own. I have written back that it is impossible for the LNP to be returned - that yesterday's polls suggesting the divergence in favour of the ALP was narrowing was merely for the purpose of newspapers to sell papers/subscriptions - by creating anxiety - fear-mongering if you will - and/or to deviously suggest that the LNP mob were likely to win - that such suggestions - typical of Murdoch/NewsCorp/SkyNews - were NOT honest ... to remain calm.
I have also used the SHARE to post this to my FaceBook page. With the following intro:
One of Australia's great writers - and so clear-eyed in his unregulated and creative use of English in defining the LNP nasties (Nazis?) who have so destroyed decency and any "aspirations" for Australia to be a better society - in favour of selfishness and greed. All hail, John Birmingham!
This will be the 10th federal election I have voted in, and I've been shades of disappointed from slightly to bitterly after 7 of them. The fact that one of those 7 was my first election and - raised by a moderate conservative Liberal father, I voted for John Hewson - is neither here nor there. I was only slightly disappointed he didn't win. But undoubtedly the worst elections were the ones where I couldn't see what was coming, like 2019.
All the signs pointed to a change of government, and Labor had an impressive reform agenda crucial to the future health of the country. Surely people could see that? After 6 years of destruction and clusterfuckery it seemed a fait accompli that Australia would change course. I even saw Mr Unpopular Bill Shorten on Q&A two weeks before the election and thought "he actually looks like he might be a decent PM if he performs like that". And then within 30 mins of the polls closing the despair set in. Oh fuck, Australia really wants another 3 years of these jokers???
So, I have abandoned all hope for tomorrow. I am assuming Lord Scummo and his Merry Band of Coruptioneers will be back with their snouts in the trough of our money again on Monday. I've been let down too many times to think otherwise.
The best result for Australia would be a minoity Labor govt with the balance of power in both Houses controlled by progressive independents. We need to break down the two-party system and rebuild government by concensus in its place if we are to avoid the political polarisation tearing the US apart, and slowly but surely headed our way if a majority of us continue to indulge the delusion that elections are a contest of red vs blue. But I am assuming it'll be a victory for corruption and incompetence. Seyla.
I am prepared for any outcome. The house is stocked with enough booze to numb me for the next 3 years if it all goes pear-shaped.
I'm working at a polling booth in a safe Labor seat. Hopefully I'll be very busy until it's all over. But, yeah, not optimistic. This government shouldn't even be in the running. It should have been kicked out of power via by-election due to ministers being sacked years ago.
I really really hope so too, but I’ll be scared to look on Sunday morning 🙈
For an old, dyed in the wool adman, the liar from the shires whole modus operandi is based on propaganda. His whole life has been focused on the life and times of Edward Bernays, who has always been under the sway of his uncle Sigmund Freud, so he knows how to hypnotise a crowd.
Edward has spent his whole life persuading people to buy baubles and trinkets, which they never really desired.
His royal smugness has kept a framed photo of Eddy on his office desk, in his reflective moments one could find him fondling the frame.
The PM's official photographer is recuperating in a rest home after trailing in the wake of the John Howard offspring wherever he went, including that incident in Engadine Maccas thunder box. The accumulated snap shots have grown into a behemoth, so big that the cloud has become overwhelmed. Googles fee has grown so large that it will have to be incorporated into the next budget.
It's rumoured that he will make his one and only apology for being such a great leader that the country will never be the same after his reign of God given guidance.
Now that Ruperts regiment have been quietly placing ScoMos hand picked ideologues and camp followers into all the important positions in the in the halls of power, we can expect the dark hand of the incumbents to be an omnipresent miasma that will always effect a predicted outcome.
Rest In Peace, all those who were overwhelmed by Robdebt.
“In brief, we govern by a mixture of lying and bullying.”
― Aleister Crowley
I'm sorry to hear mate. I really hope we kick the scum out too. Most I know do.
But...
I've gotta think that since he's screwed over almost the entire population, that voters will at least try to vote to save their medical or teaching jobs etc.
And I really do wonder if those blank-eyed hero worshippers clapping his speeches on are just a tiny cult-like fan base.
Still, whatever happens, we move on.
Raising my glass to us all waking up next week with clear eyes and a spring in our step.
Similar feeling of anxiety, planning how to cope if he slides in (burning Murdock stuff to the ground is current plan). I am desperately hoping for the best but with the independent running against Freyenburg Monique Ryan securing a change to the election laws at the 11rh hour so the covid bound can vote, surely that's gotta seal Joshies fate.
And as Victorian may I say, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out Joshie.
If Scomo wins I'm moving to Afhganistan - if they'll have me. Failing that it'll be Yemen.
Go to the party. They're home and hosed. Hopefully in coalition with the Greens. I spent some time at the early voting with the Greens mob. There is definitely an anti Morrison sentiment happening but there was also a bit of Palmer vibe which I found unnerving.
I fuckin LOVE you JB.
Labor might finally get reunited with its conscience with this green swing
Just read this now and had a brief flash back to yesterday's anxiety, not that it lasted long.
Great article because it built to your final unassailable point quite well; the dickhead was never fit for office.
He was never fit as an MP let alone a front bencher, Treasurer or (can't type it).
While I would never presume to suggest your next topic ( while exactly doing so ), how about a McLennan-level diatribe on how great ICAC will be? In the Twitter flood of the last 24 hours, I apologise for forgetting the source, but some young wag suggested that the ABC get funded to broadcast a 24hour ICAC channel.
It's got legs ( and hopefully teeth).
I hope Labor remember how personal ambition and backstabbing finished them last time. To get in with one of the lowest primary votes since 1911 shows that the voters still remember.
Bugger me. If Labor don't get up this time, even a week-long bender with a hard-hitting crew of top shelf degenerates consuming weapons-grade liquor won't be enough to get me through the next three years. Seriously people, how can it be this close? Decency and a vision for a better future vs more corruption and business as usual.
What's more, I'm in a very safe Liberal seat and it's incredibly depressing knowing that my vote is not going to count for anything except one less vote for Kevin fucking Andrews.
Thanks John. You've helped immeasurably with my mental health. You have said the things I've wanted to say but couldn't invent the language required to say them. Now if Albo wins tomorrow, I will be - finally - happy.
How good is it to live in a marginal electorate Scotty?!
Especially when little Timmy "but-think-of-the-franking-credits" Wilson is your local member and he's had to max out his brown underpants allowance in anticipation of becoming an ex-MP (although he'll probably score a sweet-as gig on the AAT when the conservatives get back in).
Gee I hope that sound I hear is people sharpening their baseball bats (if you'll pardon the mixed metaphor).
Yes. Who knows, with so many voters who have been paying so little attention as still to have no view.
“But his e-mails, er, I mean, forgetting the unemployment rate”
Gotta say JB, that stale bread wrapping the greasy offal tube I ate on Saturday afternoon seems now, in hindsight, superior to the freshest Lembas, or the most recently descended manna.
JB I couldn’t read this last Saturday. I was really unwell and actually couldn’t even stay up to see results. I just read it today and you nailed exactly how I was feeling. Feelings of absolute hopelessness, disempowerment and exhaustion. Like when you have been through a trauma or natural disaster which I have - bushfires. I woke up early Sunday checked the initial results and couldn’t comprehend it. Australia has been woken up. Not sure about the Aldi Liberals (teals) or Labor but any improvement can’t be a bad thing. The people have spoken. Now for recovery- because that’s what it feels like.
Feeling better now JB? Ours flipped from blue to red. Felt good to have our vote count...
This isn't a great result. The two party preferred numbers suggest that our country is still almost exactly divided in half. It's going to be very messy for a while I think. We need to start taking our coal exports into consideration when calculating Australias per capita greenhouse emmissions. Only then will the public understand the true extent of Australia's contribution to climate change. Also we need to urgently explain to people what closing down our second biggest export earner will do to their standard of living. It's called being honest. I'm not sure that we can handle the truth though
I am so happy right now. I feel like a good part of Australia has picked the scab away and opened up its third eye. A day to remember.
Disappointed you didn't use smoke red sky thousands of people & the horse💥