A letter royal, from your Sovereign.

To My Loyal Subjects,

One hopes this letter finds you in good health and high spirits, and if not, well, one supposes we shall get to that next.

I am writing to you under rather unique circumstances about a difficult matter that has recently been brought to light by the press regarding the Duchy of Lancaster and the ancient and noble practice of bona vacantia.

First and foremost, let me express my deepest gratitude for your unwavering loyalty and support. It is indeed a privilege to be your King, and I am forever indebted to your trust and affection. Recently indebted to the sum of somewhat more than a billion pounds, as it happens, thanks to the ancient and noble practice of bona vacantia.

If one may, it has come to one’s attention that there has been an unfortunate misunderstanding as regards the handling of those worldly goods and assets left behind by my loyal subjects who have sadly departed this world without leaving a will or next of kin.

The Duchy of Lancaster, a proud and historic institution with a long legacy of heritage, has been, shall we say, collecting these assets, known as bona vacantia, for some time, shall we say, four hundred years, give or take a century or two between friends.

This practice, deeply rooted in a history of tradition, dates back to an era when brave and goodly knights roamed the land, and chivalry was the order of the day. It is a practice that embodies the spirit of our rich tradition of history, and everyone loves a bit of history and tradition every now and then don’t they? Shining knights and towering castles and dragons and all of that? It’s all rather marvellous, is it not?

Sadly, though, none of it is free unless you’re a king, of course, and there’s only one of me, so I think I can safely say that you’re not.

Bona vacantia was one such tradition that you were almost certainly unaware of until these blasted stories emerged. One was likewise largely unaware of exactly how much lolly one had been raking in, and one must say, it's rather exciting to think that the Duchy has amassed more than £60m for doing nothing over the last decade. Doing nothing is the sine qua non of monarchical KPIs, and the Old Boner has absolutely been smashing them; what!

Now, one understands that some of one’s subjects might be concerned about how these funds are secured and spent. Allow your monarch to assure you that none of one’s subjects were harmed in the taking of their goods and chattels. When the royal death collectors swept through their homes and businesses to take inventory, one’s subjects were definitively confirmed as deceased. Or at least they were very dead very soon afterwards, with the sudden appearance of my Lord High Executioner in black chain mail and steel plate helpfully spiriting them onto their reward without long delay.

The revenue generated has been instrumental in furthering the Duchy's mission of amassing an extensive, tax-free collection of premium heritage properties. From charming townhouses to rustic cottages, each is a piece of history, a fragment of our collective heritage and my personal portfolio, which are, if you check the fine print on this deal, one and the same.

What better way to honour the memory of those who have left us than by crafting new memories from their legacy? I, for one, will treasure the memory of every penny they left behind, which I promptly trousered.

I understand that some of you might find this practice questionable, even unorthodox, because those damned silly newspapers keep putting words like ‘questionable’ and ‘unorthodox’ in their stories. But let me remind you, there is nothing unorthodox in a King doing as he pleases and his subject doing as he’s told. These are the traditions that have made Britain great for me and my German forebears.

Indeed, it's rather what sets us apart. And in these modern go-go times of ours, when everything is fleeting and ephemeral, isn’t holding on to tradition more important than ever? As the traditional owner of a billion-dollar real estate empire, I can assure you the answer is yes!

So, worry not, my dear, dear subjects. Your King is at the helm, steering the great ship of state through the turbulent waters of modernity, guided by the stars of tradition and the immutable laws of investment and return.

Let me reiterate my most profound appreciation for your continued support and understanding. I wish you and your family good health and long life, and I remind you that I will always be here, even when you don’t have those things and especially when you don’t have those things. Watching over you and waiting

Always waiting.

Yours sincerely,

Charles, Your King