Elon Musk Is Just Donald Trump Without The Decomposing Corn Husk Wig.

You know it’s time to step away from the internet when you spend all morning on Facebook in a weightlifting discussion group arguing with a human meat locker that Elon Musk is not the entrepreneur of his dreams.

But damn it, I’m not ready to step away.

I accept I’m never getting through to Chad Ripplechest, so you’re going to have to put up with me further developing my thesis that Elon Musk Is Just Donald Trump Without The Decomposing Corn Husk Wig.

Let’s go to the dot points, shall we?

• Overpromising and underdelivering are where these guys are Vikings. Whether it’s building a Wall with a giant novelty alligator moat or (building a monorail that to catapult Springfield ahead of Ogdonville) building an underground vacuum-sealed garbagebahn for science fiction tube trains, both Musk and Trump love making grandiose promises almost as much as they love totally failing to follow through on any of them.

• A Lack of Attention to Detail occasionally gets the Bunglefuck Brothers into trouble for, say, blabbing super secret spy stuff to the Russian Ambassador and Foreign Minister; Or for destroying tens of billions of dollars worth of brand recognition by swapping out the universally recognised name of your dying social media platform for an un-trademarkable letter of the alphabet - untrademarkable because Zuck got there first and you forgot to do a simple fucking trademark check.

• Making everything worse by tweeting about it. (Or whatever scatalogical metaphor is appropriate for dropping all-caps truth bombs on the poorly named Truth Social).

• ‘Questionable’ Business Practices: whereby ‘questionable’ we mean dishonest, unethical and straight-up balls out, cackling Batman villain illegal.

• Don’t forget the World Historical levels of Narcissism, without which it would not be possible for either man to survive the mortifying consequences of their most self-destructive impulses. Just lost a couple of million bucks for defaming a beloved magazine columnist or heroic Thai cave rescue guy? Don’t listen to the squishcucks on your legal team. The yawning, razor-toothed maw of insatiable neediness you have in place of your immortal soul wants you to double down with even more defamation lulz. That’ll learn ‘em.

• Nothing says Look at Me Look at Me No Not that Closely like a Lack of Transparency. Maybe you ordered your engineers to rig the range-estimating software on your electric car to show drivers “rosy” projections for the distance it could travel on a full battery. Or maybe you paid less income tax on your billion-dollar real estate business than a homeless guy hustling for dimes washing windscreens at a busy intersection outside your Manhattan apartment. No problemo! If nobody ever finds out, nobody will ever care.

• A Tendency to Shift Blame. Sure, you killed tens of thousands of your own supporters by telling them they could fend off a deadly virus by shining a torch up their asses. And, yes, you may have mortally wounded an already damaged platform that lives or dies by user engagement by strangling user engagement through bullshit rate limits because you can’t afford to pay your server fees. But you know who’s really to blame? Trans kids.

• Oh, did somebody hurt your feels with a telling critique of some systemic problem for which you are ultimately responsible? The best way to address that problem is surely to raise an army of trolls and unleash them on your defenceless critics without a second thought as to the consequences.

• While we’re making that decision, lads, let’s remember that Impulsive Decision-Making is the best sort. It doesn’t matter whether you brain-spasmed into setting $44 billion on fire or running for the President of the United States to sell more shitty Trump steaks and unaccredited university degrees, Trans kids are still the problem. Act now!

• An Overreliance on PR and Image Massaging. Substantive concerns or real-world challenges are for cucks. What matters is what people think of you, and specifically what people think of your mad, Tier One shitposting skillz. It doesn’t matter if your brain fart about Mars colonies or North Korean missile programs was half-baked and vague. Somebody else will have to execute on it. All that matters is the reassuring warmth of the unmoving spotlight.

• Misleading or Inaccurate Statements. Also known by such technical terms as lies, SEC filings, untruths, tax returns, more lies, investment guidance, campaign promises, lies, miles-until-recharge and flat-out fucking lies, there are things known, and there are things unknown, but I’m pretty sure neither the tiny-handed orange goblin or the soft-bellied, no-rules street-fighting champion could give one wet shit whether a single thing they say, tweet or post connects at any point to the world of real things. They are, at their core, both of them, shameless bullshitters.