Exit Interview with Shame

Memo from Human Resources to the Executive. As instructed, Shame has been outplaced from The Modern World PTY LTD. A copy of the exit interview is attached for your records.

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Interviewer: Well, thank you for joining us today, Mister Shame. We really do appreciate your taking the time to speak with us under what must be quite difficult circumstances. As you know, the world has changed, and unfortunately, we no longer have a place for you within our organization, but we’d like you to know that we are here for you. We’d very much like to see you move on to embrace excellence elsewhere in the world, and we’d genuinely like to understand your perspective on this transition.

Shame: [sighs] Well, thanks, I guess. It’s just that… it’s hard to believe, you know, I'm being shown the door.

Interviewer: I understand this is difficult, Mister Shame. Your contributions have certainly been noted. Moving forward, though, we’re focused on the future and how we can all adapt to change and transformation. Perhaps you could tell us about some of those moments in history you thought you were most influential? We’d love to hear about the impact you’ve had over the years.

Shame: [muted sobbing].

Interviewer: [passes subject a tissue] There, there.

Shame: It’s just, I've been a cornerstone of societal norms and personal conduct for so long, you know. I don’t know what else I can do.

Interviewer: Oh well, I’m sure you’re not the first to go through this, Mister Shame. Look at your colleague Irony.

Shame: But, Irony’s… dead.

Interviewer: Exactly! And you’re not quite there yet, are you? There must be someone, somewhere, who’s at least blushing mildly about something. Perhaps you could pivot to working in minor embarrassment.

Shame: [growing angry] But I kept entire societies in check! I made sure people adhered to moral standards.

Interviewer: Well, Standards, as you know, are constantly evolving. Perhaps if you were more like Standards and moved on to become more, let’s say, flexible, you might find yourself with more of a value proposition to offer to society now.

Shame: But I worked closely with Standards! Standards aren’t supposed to be flexible. That’s their whole thing, man. Flexible standards are like bloody waterproof tea bags. Not much use, are they, mate? My God, when I think of the scandals we averted, the public figures we held accountable. But not now, nothing matters now.

Interviewer: Well, that’s not entirely true, is it, Mister Shame? Reach matters. Virality matters. Stickiness, engagement, follower counts, and trending topics—all these things matter rather a lot now. Perhaps if you had loosened up and—

Shame: [bitterly] Sticky stuff and viruses? Funny, I used to do a lot of work with sticky stuff and viruses. I guess the world has moved on, though.

Interviewer: Yes, yes, it has. And, frankly, recognizing that could be your first step on the happy staircase to success. I wonder if I might ask, when did you first notice that your…let’s say… influence on people was starting to decline?

Shame: It was a gradual process, and… it's been tough to watch, honestly.

Interviewer: But perhaps you could share some of your experience of that process.

Shame: Oh, where do I begin? I mean, you brought that Trump bloke in, I suppose it was all over then, wasn’t it? I mean, the Access Hollywood thing. Grabbing them by the pussy. I put some extra beers in the fridge that night, I can tell you. I thought that was gonna be a blowout, mate. And then, well, look where we are now.

Interviewer: But that wasn’t really the start of your performance issues, was it?

Shame: [silence]

Interviewer: Be honest.

Shame: [sighs] Well, no. I mean, I was pretty stoked to get the Clinton account and, well…

Interviewer: You didn’t do very well with that one, did you?

Shame: Look, I was busy. I had a lot of things going on then, you know. All of the shenanigans with super shady accounting in big business, steroids in sport and don’t forget bloody O.J. and Woody Allen. I mean, what’s a quick blowjob in the Oval Office compared to those Shakespearean faecal festivals?

Interviewer: And did you make any attempts to regain your former influence?

Shame: Well, I thought I was on a winner with that crazy politics woman who shot her puppy and wrote a book about it. She didn’t even bother with O.J.’s “If I did it” bullshit. She was like, "Hell yeah, I shot the puppy." And I was like, "Finally! Puppy murder! We must have hit bottom." But it turns out there’s a significant demographic who are all in on shotgun-murdering the family dog, so, yeah, I suppose I should probably just move on.

Interviewer: It’s for the best. But you know, Mister Shame, I can't help but feel a sense of excitement for you. Yes, excitement. Just think of the possibilities for growth that await you. Perhaps you could rebrand and relaunch as Mild Discomfort or Slight Unease? The Tik-Tok kids would simply adore a sassy, relatable character like that if it came with a little dance.

Shame: [stares in disbelief] Seriously? I've held the fabric of human society together for thousands of years. I've made kings weep and tyrants tremble. My ancestors were at Agincourt, mate. Shakespeare wrote about them. Shame and eternal shame, nothing but shame!

Interviewer: [sucks air in through teeth]. Agincourt was a long time ago. You need to pivot to current market trends. Can I interest you in this brochure about cancel culture?

Shame: [standing and shouting] Are you kidding me right now? I fucking invented cancel culture. I did that for you guys, and look what you’ve done with it. A bunch of fucking numpties cancelling another bunch of nuff-nuffs over a lot of rubbish which means abso-fucking-lutely nothing. You know what Jung said about me, mate? That’s right. Carl Gustav Motherfucking Jung! They named a fucking kick-arse recoilless rifle after that bloke, and he said, “Shame is the soul-eating emotion.” But these nitwits wouldn’t know how to eat a human soul if you fucking deep-fried it in donut batter, mate. Cancel culture? Gimme a break. That’s more like the fucking gummy bear-eating emotion.

Exit Shame, slamming the door.