How to choose your billionaire.

Dear JB

I am a weird, terminally online edgelord hoping to simp for a billionaire tyrant. Unfortunately, the world is so full of billionaire tyrants and I just don’t know how to choose the best one for me.

Please help.

Yours Sincerely

Edgy McEdgelord

Dear Edgy

I know, rite?! One moment you’re trying to cut back on your social media addiction, the next, you’ve signed on to five new Twitter clones, four of which are mostly sales funnels for dick pills and bovine peptides, and one which looks like it might be a scheme to secure potential organ donors for a Mars colony.

One thing they all have in common?

Billionaires.

So how to choose which billionaire gets your credit card details and organ meats?

First, reflect on your own needs and values, Edgy. Take the time to understand what you truly want and need in a relationship with your billionaire. Are you a morally worthless lifestyle influencer, the marketing director of a globally significant ultra-processed food manufacturer or perhaps an out-of-favour mercenary warlord and down on his luck-former-oligarch looking to rebrand as a wigfluencer.

This could be you, on Threads, Edgy!

Perhaps you are an emotionally deformed incel tampon-chewer thirsting for approval from your favourite emerald mine heir and Apartheid leftover nepobaby? If so, don’t delete your Twitter account just yet, Edgy, because a month from now, you could be a very large percentage of Elon Musk’s remaining entourage.

Consider your values, goals, and long-term aspirations. If you aspire to the status of minor functionary in a white nationalist ethnostate, Elon has an eight-buck-a-month deal for you.

But if you’d prefer to wander endlessly through a vast algorithmic wasteland of celebrity engagement chum and carefully crafted positioning emoji from tier one Brands & Corporates, then Zuck’s your boy, especially if you can’t afford eight bucks a month.

If your goals and values are a hot match, evaluate your compatibility. Look for affinity in areas such as musical interests, communication styles, future plans, blood type, histocompatibility complex antigens, and even simple organ size. You can’t expect someone as important as Elon to waste his time trying to cram your misshapen, oversized viscera into his elegantly tailored skin suit 337.56 million kilometres from a proper transplant facility.

Likewise, consider trust and respect; vital foundations for any healthy relationship with your new superrich owner. Can you look into Mark Zuckerberg’s vacant yet intense alien stare, for instance, and feel as if his programming subroutines would treat you with respect?

If so, assess your emotional connection: Pay attention to how you feel when you're with each billionaire. Are you comfortable hanging with Elon as he squeals with delight every time he pricks you with a barbecue fork or rubs your abdominal skin folds between his stubby fingers? Do you get real support and a sense of uplift whenever Mark suggests amputating your lower limbs to better align your meat avatar with your real online self in the Metaverse? That sort of emotional connection plays a significant role in satisfying your billionaire’s needs.

In the end, Edgy, communication is key. Choose someone with whom you can express your thoughts and feelings openly for US$7.99 a month, or for whatever residual value lies in the harvesting of your eyeballs for nano-targeted advertising on Threads.

Or, you know, just for your eyeballs.

Elon won’t say no to them either.