I'm not bitter.

Dear Mate,

I’m not gonna lie to you. This last week’s been a bugger. When I put my hand up for the leadership of the National Party, I did so because I was sitting by the pool of my holiday resort in Saigon, and I wanted another fifty-cent beer. I was not seeking the leadership. Literally, I just wanted that beer. But having been thrust into the contest, I do not resile from what our party needs because I’m not quite sure what resile means. But I know what ruralandregionalstraya needs. Cheap beers, and me. They need me.

Instead, the party room chose my opponent, Senator Canavan, and that’s fine. I’m not bitter. Matt is a decent bloke who loves a chunk of coal as much as the next bloke, but he’s not me, and that’s the problem the party has going forward.

While he’s offering more-of-the-same and a Hills Hoist for the little lady, and that’s fine, seriously, I’m not bitter, but it’s not good enough. Because mates, I’m offering something far more dangerous to the latte poofs and the inner city kombucha elite. And that’s why today I’m asking you to stand with me, not because I’m bitter, but because I’m here, and in the long and glorious recent history of our party, that’s basically the job description.

It’s why I support Matt in his doomed attempt to lead us out of the wilderness, because when he fails as he must, with my full support, I will be there with my Big Bloody Hats and Big Bloody Holes Initiative.

Under my leadership, every Nationals MP will be required to wear a hat of no less than four hectares in diameter because this is what true leadership looks like.

Looking the part is not enough, however. We have to go stupidly big, too. Not just look stupid. That’s why, when Matt fails, we will think bigger. Much bigger. We will unlock the potential of the Australian continent by filling the middle of it with water.

The middle bit of this continent is currently useless to us. There’s barely a coal mine to be seen there, and not much grazing to be had. But imagine Alice Springs with a beachfront promenade and heaps of jobs for young layabouts bringing you and me fifty-cent beers on coal-powered jet skis. Can you even imagine that? Because I can and I do, all the time. I’m not just sleeping in all of those photos of me sleeping in Parliament. I’m imagining a brighter future for ruralandregionalstraya. A future the experts say is impossible.

But that’s what experts do every time I open my mouth. The rest of us just get on with not being bitter about it and just making it happen. We’ve got a lot of experience at digging big holes in this country. I propose we dig the biggest hole ever and then a trench to the beach, and we let the water flow in, solving our problems forever.

My critics say this cannot be done. But my critics say that about everything. They said I couldn’t replace the Bureau of Meteorology with my old mate Kev, whose knees can predict the rain. They said I couldn’t solve the Net Zero problem by mandating that according to all the figures those scientists love so much, Australia achieved Net Zero in 1890, which legally settled the matter back then and forever.

This Is Where You Come In.

Mates, as bitter as I’m not, I can’t do this alone. The Canberra elites have the media, the lobbyists, the consultants, but we have something stronger. Common bloody sense. And today I’m asking you to exercise your common sense and keep our movement alive.

If just 1,000 proud Australians chip in twenty-five bucks today, I can

• continue developing my Inland Sea proposal

• and purchase the Big Hat you deserve in our Parliament

But I need your help before midnight tonight. Because the elites think this movement will disappear. They think ruralandregionalstraya will quietly accept more-of-the-same. They think we’ll stop fighting.

They’re wrong.

And with your twenty-five dollarydoos today, I can prove it.

Yours in service,

JB

(Not Bitter)