Tony Abbott wins extreme coal-eating contest, labels Climate Science a cult.

Former prime minister Tony Abbott says the Albanese government’s goal to achieve 82 per cent renewables by 2030 was ‘irrational’. The latest appointee to the board of NewsCorp made his comments while dressed only in an under-sized pair of bright red Speedos, and lightly drumming his soot-blackened fingers on a dangerously distended tummy, after eating an entire 20kg bag of export quality coking coal.

The dangerous idiot and never-ending national embarrassment claimed man-made global warming was “ahistorical and utterly implausible”, labelling climate activists and scientists as cult-like during an address to the well-funded death cult known as the Institute of Public Affairs.

Launching the Institute’s latest report into the threat posed to the Institute’s largest donors by any sort of energy policy that might inconvenience Gina or Clive, Mr Abbott took his most direct aim to date at the overwhelming scientific consensus on anthropogenic global warming.

He declared the Albanese government had succumbed to the woke mind virus and made spooky ghost noises while wiggling his charcoal-covered fingers to imitate a particularly wriggly virus.

“The anthropogenic global warming thesis, at least in its more extreme forms, which is all of them, is both ahistorical and utterly implausible,” Mr Abbott told an audience of hooting and hollering coal mining executives and their shaved chihuahua mascot, Senator Matt Canavan.

“The climate cult will eventually be discredited,” Mister Abbott declared, as he lay prostrate and quivering in front of a giant lump of lustrous black anthracite. “I just hope we don’t have to endure a downturn in profit and a loss of shareholder value before that happens.”

Mr Abbott joined the board of UK-based conservative think tank the Global Warming Policy Foundation in February. According to its founder, the group aims to challenge any and all government policies that could be “extremely damaging and harmful to the largely untaxed profits of our Foundation’s billionaire fossil fuel benefactors”.

The former Liberal leader, who has been a member of the UK government’s Board of Trade since 2020, has long been sceptical of scientific evidence of climate change but remains deeply committed to his strong faith in a blonde, bearded white man with superpowers who wears a toga and lives in a magical sky McMansion.

He told a London audience overnight that he was pleased to be chosen to launch the Foundation’s report “because I’m one of the very few national leaders who was elected to office promising to end the obsession with the end of the world which has frankly interfered with my biblical obsession with Armageddon,” Mr Abbott said.

Mr Abbott’s comments come after twelve international scientists published an updated state-of-the-climate report this week that warned that 2023 had likely had the hottest temperatures for 100,000 years.

“You know what else is hot?” Mister Abbott shot back. “The fires of Hell which are absolutely a real thing and not at all made up like the fibs being told by these so-called scientists.

Meanwhile, on Thursday, Australia’s federal Treasurer Jim Chalmers released a report acknowledging that Australia has a long way to go to reach its ambitious net-zero emissions targets, but, he said, “We’re absolutely smashing it out of the park on opening new coal mines and gas fields.”