Vladimir Putin delivers eulogy for Dearest Yevgeny.

Men and women of the Rodina, today we gather to remember a man who played significant role in various aspects of our country's endeavors, which is to say that you gather in small, easily targetable group of loyal boyars and apparatchiks while I attend via magic of advanced Russian technological app Zoomski.

Would that I could be there with you to look into your eyes and detect any sign of nervousness. Alas, travel in these modern times of ours is frightfully dangerous business, to confirmation for which we need look no further than this tiny novelty coffin containing many, small, overcooked pieces of Comrade Yevgeny.

Dearest Yevgeny was colleague, friend, and devoted supporter of mine until he wasn’t and suddenly his plane caught dreadful dose of polonium poisoning, and well here we are. Lessons for us all, which is to be saying, for you. Please to be heeding them.

Yevgeny had unique ability to understand complex situations and find pragmatic solutions, which is how he came to be pragmatically located in far away Africa until quite recently when FSB relocated him, in large freezer bag to cargo hold of private jet leaving Moscow. He was shrewd businessman who seized many opportunities in difficult environments such as Syrian civil war, Libyan civil war and, not to be forgetting, the American civil war in which his internet monkeys many Super Trump memes and Hillary jokes on the Book of Face were important encouragement.

His ventures in culinary world displayed much creativity. He was unafraid to take risks and seize opportunities which is how unfortunately, he came to be scattered over potato field in small smokey chunks. I remember telling him to seize all the opportunities I send you, Yevgeny, but do not seize whole military district south of Moscow, or you will find yourself walking past open window. Yevgeny believed deeply in strength of our nation and Russian people, and we will not forget his devotion to making other people’s nations a little part of a bigger Russia.

While some of his activities might have raised questions, we do not recognise authority of International Criminal Court, so no harm no foul.

Other questions from other activities were answered when his private jet stumbled through high window and into potato field.

Yevgeny Prigozhin was complex individual, and like all of us except for me, he had his imperfections. This was a man who made serious mistakes in life, most recently in not checking resumé of recently hired airframe engineers.

He leaves behind big legacy that cannot be easily summarized, but forensic auditors will do their best, and the balance of that legacy will be transferred to appropriate accounts as soon as I am able to travel to Switzerland again.

Today, as we bid farewell, let us focus on the positive aspects of his life, including the exemplary terror his untimely but predictable death is to be spreading among you gathered here today.

May we all continue to work towards strong and prosperous Rodina, not as Yevgeny did, but as he really should have if he did not wish to finish up in that potato field.