A Modest Proposal.

For Preventing All These Billionaires From Being a Burden to The World, and Ruining Everything.

It is a melancholy object to those who scroll through their news feeds or venture into once-vibrant cities, when they see the streets crowded with shuttered local businesses, the housing markets inflated beyond reach, and the masses of workers holding multiple jobs yet still unable to afford all of streaming subscriptions a commodious existence demands. Meanwhile, aboard private spacecraft and behind the walls of fortified compounds spanning thousands of acres, our billionaire class multiplies their fortunes hourly, each one commanding resources equivalent to those of entire nations, some of them not even shithole nations with loser resources.

I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of ultra-wealthy individuals, in the present deplorable state of the republic, is a very great additional grievance; and therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these billionaires sound and useful members of the commonweal would deserve so well of the public as to have their statue set up as a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the tech moguls of Silicon Valley: it is of a much greater extent and shall take in the whole number of persons who have accumulated wealth exceeding one billion dollars, regardless of whether they inherited their fortunes or built them through financial villainy or the exploitation of regulatory loopholes.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, a billionaire just added to the Forbes list may be sustained through tax breaks and government subsidies for a fiscal year, with little other nourishment than the poorly paid labour of their overworked wage slaves: and it is exactly as their fortune crosses the billion-dollar threshold that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as, instead of being a charge upon the long-suffering providers of labour, or the treasury, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding and clothing of many thousands.

The number of billionaires in the world being usually reckoned at about two thousand seven hundred or so individuals, from which number I subtract a handful who are engaged in genuine philanthropy, there remains an elegant sufficiency of billionaires annually expanding their dominion over our economy. The question, therefore, is how this number shall be made beneficial to the public. which, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible.

I shall now, therefore, humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing economist of my acquaintance, that a billionaire, properly prepared, represents the most extraordinary resource for a struggling economy, whether their assets are liquidated, distributed, or repurposed; and I make no doubt that the public benefit derived would equally serve in a recession, inflation, or period of stagnation.

I do, therefore, humbly offer it to public consideration, that of the thousands of billionaires already computed, those not engaged in genuine philanthropy may be offered in sale to the public at large, always advising the billionaire to indulge plentifully in the final month, so as to render them plump and marbled for a good table.

A billionaire will make two hundred dishes at an entertainment for community fundraisers, and when the neighbourhood dines communally, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium, that a billionaire, once properly prepared, will yield resources equivalent to feeding a house of four or five for a year, dependent upon the provision of healthful serves of fibrous and leafy vegetable asides.

Billionaire flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful after tax season; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent Wall Street analyst, that financial instruments being a prolifick diet, there are more billionaires created about three months after major tax cuts than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after tax legislation, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of tech and finance billionaires is at least three to one, and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of enormous chodes among us.

I have already computed the charge of maintaining a billionaire (in which list I reckon all hedge fund managers, tech moguls, and four-fifths of the inherited wealth class) to be about fifty million dollars per annum, offshore accounts included; and I believe no community would decline to give due recompense for the carcass of a good fat billionaire, which, as I have said, will make a good years worth of excellent nutritive value.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make admirable upholstery for public transportation, and summer uniforms for essential workers.

As to our financial capitals, processing centres may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of them; although I rather recommend distributing the billionaires alive directly to communities, the locavore advantages being not inconsiderable.

I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. This food would bring great custom to public spaces, where the chefs will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best recipes for preparing it to perfection; and consequently have their establishments frequented by all citizens, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good policy.

It would be a great inducement to democratic participation, increasing the care and tenderness of legislators towards their constituents, and competition among elected officials, to determine which of them could bring the fattest billionaire to the market.

Supposing the communities in this nation that would be constant customers for billionaire redistribution, besides others who might have it at infrastructure rebuilding, particularly at school renovations and hospital expansions, I compute that the country would take off annually about four hundred plutocrats; and the rest of the world (where probably they will be processed somewhat cheaper) any remaining wealth hoarders.

I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged that the number of ultra-wealthy will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and was indeed one principal design in offering it to the world.

Therefore let no one talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing our billionaires at seventy per cent marginal rates: Of learning to love our fellow citizens, wherein we differ even from oligarchies, and the inhabitants of tax havens. I repeat, let no one talk to me of these and like expedients, till we hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I, fortunately, fell upon this proposal, which, as it is almost wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging oligarchs. It must be acknowledged that the petroleum barons require particular methods of cookery, as their substance tendeth to be crude and resistent to common culinary practices; whereas the masters of computing engines, having subsisted primarily on a diet of soylent and kombucha, do yield a flesh of notable leanness and a certain bitterness of character, necessitating a slow simmering in the lamentations of those industries they have laid to waste, that they might be rendered sufficiently tender for the table. Yet when dressed with proper art and care, they may be served with great satisfaction alongside bread topped with the paste of pears, and juices extracted without the application of heat, to the great delight and nourishment of all.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good, by advancing our equality, relieving the poor, and giving some power to the many. My net worth is under seven figures, and my prospects dim for further accumulation.

I am, however, very hungry.