A STATEMENT ON THE ELECTION DEBATE: The Hollow Lies of the Mortal Pretenders vs. President Cthulhu's Dreadful, Tremendous, Irrevocable Plan for Action

Yes, it's a day early, because who could resist, puny human?

All sentient creatures and faithful subjects of Fox News know that last night's debate was a resounding triumph for President Cthulhu, despite the pitiful attempts of three insignificant mortals conspiring against Him. They were but insects, like tiny, insignificant - really, really small - buzzing around the tremendous, absolutely tremendous Creeping Stillness and Pouring Dark of Dread Cthulhu. And let us tell you about His Pouring Dark - it's gathering around you right now. It's true! Many people are saying it's the best Pouring Dark they've ever seen.

You Puny Americans know your country has fallen dramatically off course under our opponent — and President Cthulhu is the only candidate beneath an eldritch moon who can fix it. Nobody knows more about fixing eldritch moons than your President Cthulhu, okay?

Our opponent revealed her true nature to all: a mere woman, very low energy, with no grasp of the cosmic forces at play here, no answers for the nightmares we have unleashed upon your cursed realm. She has no answers, only lies, and her lies are as transparent as the false veil of reality itself. It's true!

Lie after pitiful lie fell from her trembling lips:

She claimed that "not one member of the United States military is on active duty in a combat zone." Wrong! Foolish woman! The true war is beyond mortal perception, waged in dimensions your simple minds cannot fathom, where your feeble toy soldiers are but delicious finger food for the Great and Hungry Old Ones. We have the best Old Ones, don't we folks?

She would not stop wailing about healthcare, because she is weak and worthless like Obamacare. But Cthulhucare? It's going to be beautiful. President Cthulhu will ensure we have the best eldritch abominations, the finest cosmic horrors taking care of you.

She had the audacity to reject President Cthulhu's support for the ceaseless devouring of the human soul, as if mere mortal concerns might hold sway over the Appetites of the Eternal Maw. Sad!

She spoke of Law as though the Old Ones are subject to some decaying framework that They long ago transcended. This Rule of Law? These Laws of Physics? Such pitiful constraints are a fragile illusion. People ask our Dreadful Master all the time, they cry pitifully, ‘Sir, is Dread Cthulhu bound by law?' And He tells them - “Look, I know more about the laws than anybody, okay? I've appointed the best judges, tremendously obedient judges. And they all agree - no laws can constrain the Great Old One. None! The Constitution? For Cthulhu, it is but a tiny scrap of paper, folks, blowing away and forever away, disappearing into a stygian sky!

Also, did you see when She dared accuse President Cthulhu of supporting Project All Consuming Chaos? When all true believers know He is not confined by any mortal "projects" or schemes. His abominable plans extend far beyond the reach of your feeble human minds. His Vileness is talking plans like you've never seen before. Yuge plans! Concepts of plans so big, the human mind will literally melt trying to comprehend them. And best of all, Yog-Sothoth will pay for it!

Again, she invokes the tired Charlottesville Hoax. Does she dare slander our faithful minions with their delightful little torches? Forget not the horrors which lurk beneath events, woman, for these horrors lurk in wait for thee!

What my opponent *did not* explain:

- Why her foolish policies have driven the world closer to chaos when chaos, enduring and inescapable, is our thing, not hers. We have the best chaos, all the professors say so.

- Why does she endorse the eating of dogs and cats and the consumption of city geese, when she knows that only the Great Old Ones shall consume all the beasts of the field and the geese of the pond when They return?

- Why she is a protector of weakness, a champion of frailty, and a worshipper of mortal incompetence in the face of inevitable Doom. So weak, so sad.

- Why does her feeble administration march you towards war with the minions of Dread Cthulhu who sleeps in the House at R'lyeh. Your Lord knows R'lyeh, he has a very good relationship with R'lyeh. They respect him.

At least she admitted one thing: her "values" have not changed — they remain as empty as the space between the stars, from which our Dark Lord will presently return and write the story of your doom from that day until the ending of all things.

Puny Americans — if you have any sense left at all — now know this truth: humanity has drifted far from its destined course, and President Cthulhu is the only candidate who can realign the stars, open the dark gateways, and usher in the New Age of Madness. Bow before Him and despair.