In 2011, in ‘Emotion’, the peer-reviewed-but-unexcitingly-named journal of emotional studies, the brainiac feely-doctors Dr van Dijk, Dr van Koningsbruggen, some guy called Guido, and some other guys called Ouwerkerkm, Wesseling and Jaap reported that schadenfreude and self-esteem are not besties. Individuals with low self-esteem, they wrote, tend to hit up the schadenfreude bong more frequently and intensely than those with self-esteem to spare.
In 2022, I call bullshit.
Your massively self-regarding correspondent here owns the motherfucking self-esteem leaderboard, and my friends, I have been absolutely wallowing in schadenfreude this week. Rolling in it, like a fat German schadensausage in a deliciously oozy fondue of scalding hot bummer cheese.
Why?
Because Alex Jones, the loathsome High Dementer of western civilisation’s epistemic collapse has been pwnd with maximum prejudice.
Is it wrong, or even hypocritical, for someone like me who makes his quids doing stuff like this to revel in a billion-dollar defamation loss?
To answer that, first, plug in this electron microscope.
Ready? Now, dial it up to the max and zoom in really, really REALLY hard on all the fucks I have to give about this, and when you’ve done that, and you’re staring at an empty screen that should be full of fucks but isn’t, ask yourself, “Oh, where are JB’s fucks that he’s supposed to give?”
It’s now time to remember that...
I DON’T HAVE ANY!!!
Alex Jones is a slobbering horror-pig rooting through the garbage of late-stage capitalism and, somehow getting really fat on it. Or at least he was. Buzzfeed once calculated that Jones used to make somewhere between fifteen and twenty-five million (US) dollars a year from his Infowars supplement business. Jones’s paying gig wasn’t vomiting up conspiracy theories and tormenting the parents of slaughtered children. It was selling dick pills to losers.
But a billion-plus is a helluva lot to pay off. This sweaty, shambling mound of hair, teeth and toxic rage would have to sell a gigatonne of Supermale Vitality Tonics and erectile dysfunction gel to his unhinged but weary softcock superfans to make the nut.
He won’t even get close.
Naturally, he’s talking a big game about not caring, and denying that the Sandy Hook parents will get a dollar from him.
"They'll never see a penny!" he crowed on his show shortly after the court dropped the hammer on him, not entirely unlike a giant wrecking ball onto an adult diaper full of day-old guacamole.
And no. They won’t get anything like a billion, but I doubt those poor bastards care. Most likely, they just wanted one part of their nightmare to end. The part where Jones got rich by turning the murder of their children into a hellish clown show. Example? One of his fans, probably full of Supermale Vitality Tonic, dug up the grave of a Sandy Hook victim to try to prove the casket was empty.
Jones will never escape this now.
One of the scarylarious nightmare aspects of America’s carnivore economic system is a thriving market in the sale of judgments.
The parents (and an FBI agent whose life and career Jones also destroyed) don’t have to chase him for those pennies. They can simply sell the debt he now owes to one of the thousands of companies that’ll be happy to chase him for every fucking dollar from this day until the heat death of the universe. If he tries to hide his income or assets, he goes down for criminal fraud.
It won’t bring their children back. Their lives won’t measurably improve. And if there’s a shameful aspect to revelling in Alex Jones's loss, it’s there, in taking pleasure from the consequences finally attendant upon the abject horror his victims have endured.
I guess when I think about it, that makes me feel bad.
So I’m not going to think about it. Instead, I’m going to remember that this isn’t just about a grifter selling rage and dick pills.
As Charlie Sykes points out, “it’s important to put this into context,” and the context is a global ‘conservative’ movement in which the crazy is not only tolerated — it’s encouraged.
Jones’ toxic, anti-governmental conspiracy theories have slowly but surely infiltrated the political waters. Things that 10 years ago would have been dismissed are now being repeated in the halls of Congress. And of course, former President Donald Trump is right there in the middle of it all…
Jones flourished in the right’s growing alternative reality bubble where he could drive the political narrative. Instead of being shunned or marginalized, Jones found that lying was a lucrative business model that leads to celebrity and political clout.
By imposing a cost on his lies, the Sandy Hook parents make the project of undermining reality and subverting democracy that little bit more difficult and expensive.
Any negative consequences that these fascists, liars and grifters face helps me maintain my fingertip grasp of hope in justice and that somehow not everything is shite. Having said that, while I know a lot about Jones and his doings, I can't bear to think too much on it, particularly regarding Sandy Hook and those poor bloody families, as I just get too angry and too sad.
PS: Some very nice descriptors in this one JB, some of them brought to mind our own Jones (of the Alan variety) and that dickhead from New England with the face like a boiled ham, Barnaby Joyce
SO GOOD! Thanks for reminding us of how good the news made us feel this week - YAS.
It's hard believe how much of an anal abscess he is, actually. If you haven't eaten in the past 2 hours, go check out one of his Youtube videos... makes you feel veeeeery unsafe and nauseous... and completely ok to enjoy his burn-in-hell-forever future.
On another note, your photoshop skills are getting better and better, John.
In a dictionary someone once referenced - "fartleberries" was a word - something of the order of "dags" - but you'll think these too soft and warm to use for excrescences like the man under discussion here.
Very well put, and an important matter. I loathe the defo suits our rich bring to stifle public discourse about them, but call me a hypocrite that in this case I'm rolling alongside JB in that bummer cheese.
On every Alex Jones show he cooks up a cesspit fondue and serves it to a bunch of gutless and brainless patrons, who no matter how much bullshit they consume always seem hungry for more...
Such a lot of other unseemly detail about this man and his effects on his admirers - I can see why a bit of Schadenfreude is well-deserved. Thanks, John.
I kinda wish there were a few more now facing come uppnace for the business built on cruel lies. Did you know the opposite of schadenfreude is freudenfreude?
That is horrifying. I've just had an email from a former friend who embraced the radical anti-vaxxer vitriol. He was laughing in relish how Australia was drowning in floods and how I live near a potential nuke target for when Putin kicks off WW3. Apparently we all deserve it because of the vaccine mandate. Horrifying to see how far down the rabbit-hole he's fallen, and I guess he's the kind of mentally-ill to whom Alex Jones appealed. (I couldn't resist replying that he wants to hope the prevailing winds don't drive the nuke fallout towards his place - about 30 minutes away as the crow flies.)
I was lost for words the other day, trying to explain(nicely) to an old work colleague about how a mutual friend had changed recently.....fallen down the rabbit hole does it quite nicely.
Yep, this corpulent festering pile of smegma definitely deserves to be made to pay, and hopefully suffer, by the horrors of debt collectors for a very very long time. But he found a market, that's what worries me. Not so much the market for his boner pills, the market for his vitriol. Why? I'm not that smart, but how stupid would you have to be to believe this stuff and act on it? It's scary that Jones and his ilk find people who don't just burst out laughing at the bollocks they spew forth, but take it to heart and ignore all contrary evidence.
What happens to Alex when he takes his own boner pills?
He gets taller.
On a side note, if anyone wants to really understand how deranged, dangerous and despicable Alex Jones really his, check out the Knowledge Fight podcast. The two hosts have been doing Alex for 738 episodes, some highlights being the depositions of for some of the Sandy Hook trials that go through in detail why he was defaulted in those cases. They are essentially the Alex Jones experts, to the point one acted as an assistant to the plaintiffs' lawyer, so actually in the room as the deposition took place. They have interviewed Mark Bankston plaintiff's lawyer in the first trial many times.
Wonderful as usual. I particularly enjoyed "the loathsome High Dementer of western civilisation’s epistemic collapse", a perfect description of this lying scumbag.
Hits from the schadenfreude bong. Tainted by horror, finished with decency. Nice trip JB.
Any negative consequences that these fascists, liars and grifters face helps me maintain my fingertip grasp of hope in justice and that somehow not everything is shite. Having said that, while I know a lot about Jones and his doings, I can't bear to think too much on it, particularly regarding Sandy Hook and those poor bloody families, as I just get too angry and too sad.
PS: Some very nice descriptors in this one JB, some of them brought to mind our own Jones (of the Alan variety) and that dickhead from New England with the face like a boiled ham, Barnaby Joyce
Yeah, I knew this week I was gonna get to ride the thesaurus.
Yes I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had Alex Jones and Alan Jones confused for a while.
SO GOOD! Thanks for reminding us of how good the news made us feel this week - YAS.
It's hard believe how much of an anal abscess he is, actually. If you haven't eaten in the past 2 hours, go check out one of his Youtube videos... makes you feel veeeeery unsafe and nauseous... and completely ok to enjoy his burn-in-hell-forever future.
On another note, your photoshop skills are getting better and better, John.
:)
I'm stealing anal abscess.
It's yours. It's the unfriendly version of crusty dingleberries.
In a dictionary someone once referenced - "fartleberries" was a word - something of the order of "dags" - but you'll think these too soft and warm to use for excrescences like the man under discussion here.
Very well put, and an important matter. I loathe the defo suits our rich bring to stifle public discourse about them, but call me a hypocrite that in this case I'm rolling alongside JB in that bummer cheese.
Always the wordsmith
Alex Jones and his business model perfectly summarised. My Good Lady Wife has been immeasurably cheered by the descriptor 'slobbering horror-pig'.
Thank you JB!
A sober foreboding on the collapse of civil society…beautifully written JB.
Great stuff JB
On every Alex Jones show he cooks up a cesspit fondue and serves it to a bunch of gutless and brainless patrons, who no matter how much bullshit they consume always seem hungry for more...
Such a lot of other unseemly detail about this man and his effects on his admirers - I can see why a bit of Schadenfreude is well-deserved. Thanks, John.
I kinda wish there were a few more now facing come uppnace for the business built on cruel lies. Did you know the opposite of schadenfreude is freudenfreude?
Heehee 'freudenfreude' heehee
Brilliant and viscerally accurate, as always.
But I had to take 5 when I read some mind dribbling fuck wobble had dug up a kids grave. That’s one step beyond depraved.
Yep
That is horrifying. I've just had an email from a former friend who embraced the radical anti-vaxxer vitriol. He was laughing in relish how Australia was drowning in floods and how I live near a potential nuke target for when Putin kicks off WW3. Apparently we all deserve it because of the vaccine mandate. Horrifying to see how far down the rabbit-hole he's fallen, and I guess he's the kind of mentally-ill to whom Alex Jones appealed. (I couldn't resist replying that he wants to hope the prevailing winds don't drive the nuke fallout towards his place - about 30 minutes away as the crow flies.)
This has been one of the most disgusting things the last few years. Watching otherwise dear friends lose their minds
I was lost for words the other day, trying to explain(nicely) to an old work colleague about how a mutual friend had changed recently.....fallen down the rabbit hole does it quite nicely.
Only way to fix it is mandatory vacations for everyone!!
:nodding-emoji: signed up for this.
Yep, this corpulent festering pile of smegma definitely deserves to be made to pay, and hopefully suffer, by the horrors of debt collectors for a very very long time. But he found a market, that's what worries me. Not so much the market for his boner pills, the market for his vitriol. Why? I'm not that smart, but how stupid would you have to be to believe this stuff and act on it? It's scary that Jones and his ilk find people who don't just burst out laughing at the bollocks they spew forth, but take it to heart and ignore all contrary evidence.
Yes. This. I meant to do a whole bit on this but got distracted by my fondue art.
The whack jobs love killing kids.
Why hasn't this piece got a target in his grave stone?
Perfect :-)
Muhaha. Most excellent.
What happens to Alex when he takes his own boner pills?
He gets taller.
On a side note, if anyone wants to really understand how deranged, dangerous and despicable Alex Jones really his, check out the Knowledge Fight podcast. The two hosts have been doing Alex for 738 episodes, some highlights being the depositions of for some of the Sandy Hook trials that go through in detail why he was defaulted in those cases. They are essentially the Alex Jones experts, to the point one acted as an assistant to the plaintiffs' lawyer, so actually in the room as the deposition took place. They have interviewed Mark Bankston plaintiff's lawyer in the first trial many times.
As a pathologist I particularly appreciated the electron microscope.
Wonderful as usual. I particularly enjoyed "the loathsome High Dementer of western civilisation’s epistemic collapse", a perfect description of this lying scumbag.