Standing amid the wreckage of an Amazon warehouse in western Sydney yesterday, the Prime Minister defended his controversial policy of allowing toddlers to work as forklift drivers. Mister Morrison pushed back strongly against claims that a number of toddlers, adorably swaddled in Hi-Vis onesies for his policy announcement and photo op, had driven their forklifts directly into the giant High Bay shelving units behind him, and were in any way responsible for the collapse of those units or the warehouse itself a minute later.
“Jen was looking after the kids,” he said, forcing his coprophagic rictus into the shape of a real human grin. Meanwhile rescuers worked frantically behind the PM to clear tons of wreckage covering the surviving toddlers, some of whom could be heard using small pieces of scrap metal to bang out endless repetitions of ‘Keepy Uppy’ from the delightful album, Bluey: The Album, from the delightful TV show. Bluey: The TV Show.
“How good is Here Come the Grannies?” Mister Morrison asked as two frantic grandmothers tore at the giant mound of twisted steel with their bare hands.
Mister Morrison denied the catastrophe was caused by the toddlers he had personally strapped into the high-capacity Semax G120 mast-back units and sent on their way with two thumbs up and a child-friendly fish finger curry for the Sky News cameras.
“I think you’ll find that the states always had responsibility for that sort of thing,” he said.
The National Cabinet proposal to allow toddlers to operate 10000lb Class V pneumatic forklifts as soon as they are potty trained faced opposition from most state leaders. Only NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet backed the PM, insisting that the economy could not wait until every single toddler had been potty certified and that it was up to parents and warehouse owners to exercise common sense and personal responsibility.
“I trust the mums and dads of NSW and the CEOs of our major logistics companies to know what’s best for our kids,” said Mr Perrottet, just before one of his own children reversed a two-and-a half-tonne Toyota Four Way Reach Lift into a thirty-metre high Pallet Flow Rack loaded with hundreds of thousands of Rapid Antigen Tests commandeered from wholesalers by the Federal Government.
Mister Morrison denied the government had commandeered the tests, or that they had been destroyed by Mister Perrottet’s children. He said that he did not feel responsible because it was Mister Perrottet’s children who had been driving the forklift which destroyed all the tests and he reminded the press gallery that it was Jen who always popped out to get spare tests for the kids and him.
The Big Jobs for Tiny Tots program is not expected to go ahead after yesterday’s disaster.
“I had a good discussion about today with Jen,” the Prime Minister said. “And she decided that toddlers driving forklifts is not something she believes we should be pursuing at this time. Maybe when their feet can reach the pedals we’ll look at this issue again, so that they’re not just jumping from the driver’s seat of the forklift onto the accelerator. Something, which like omicron, nobody saw coming.”
Alien Sideboob is a reader-supported publication. And JB’s hovercraft really needs a new diamond encrusted disco ball.
"...forcing his coprophagic rictus into the shape of a real human grin." Pure gold JB! Brilliant as always and so good to read a satirical piece from you. Don't know how I'd cope without my regular injection of ASB. x
How about we start with 16 year olds driving Commonwealth Cars for the PM, then once they've mastered that we can give them a run on the forklifts?