Heart to Heart: Navigating the Journey of Love with Alien Sideb00b’s Advice to the Lovelorn. Jacinda Ardern edition.

Dear Heart to Heart,

I am writing to you in desperation, seeking advice on how to handle my feelings about a woman Prime Minister of New Zealand with whom I’ve long been obsessed. Her name is Jacinda, and she doesn’t even live in the same country as me, but I can’t stop thinking about her and talking about her and publishing thousands of words of transparently desperate masher notes to her in both my OpEd and news sections.

I have tried everything I can think of to get her to notice me. But despite my efforts over five years, she remained indifferent to my advances. And now, now she’s leaving and I’m terrified I’ll no longer be able to get at her I fear I may have lost my last chance for any kind of meaningful relationship with her.

I am at a loss as to what to do. My feelings for this woman Prime Minister of New Zealand consume me, and I find myself constantly thinking about her and wondering what I could have done differently. I am afraid that my obsession is becoming unhealthy and that I’m causing myself unnecessary pain in a last-ditch effort to gain her attention.

I’ve included some recent selfies of my more humiliating efforts.

I don’t need her approval or even her love. But surely she could at least show me some sign that she knows I’m alive. I would greatly appreciate any advice you can offer on how to cope with this unrequited ardour and how to move on from this person. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

The Editor of The Australian.

Dear The Editor of The Australian

Thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your story. I understand how difficult it can be to deal with obsessive unrequited yearning, especially when you are consumed by your feelings for a woman Prime Minister of New Zealand who is not just deeply uninterested in you but also loved by so many people from whom you would seek approval, or at the very least, a credit card number and ongoing subscription fee.

First, it's important to recognize that you cannot control another person's feelings or actions. It’s not like she is an Australian Prime Minister. It's important to understand that Jacinda’s lack of interest in you is not a reflection of your worth as a person, which we all know is not worth reflecting on.

Next, try to focus on other aspects of your life. Surely this Jacinda is not the only person with whom you have become irrationally obsessed. I’m sure if you looked back over your clippings files you would find that there are many, many worthy people upon whom you’ve absolutely lavished the most bitter, unhealthy fixations over the years.

Try to practice self-compassion. Be kind and understanding with yourself as you go through this difficult time, and perhaps it might help you to be kinder and more understanding to others when they experience their own difficulties. Especially if one of your unhinged trollumnists happens to be the author of their troubles. Remind yourself that it's normal to feel hurt and disappointed in life, and you don’t always have to act out like a drooling, gasping, face-down animal foul with the stink of despairing lust and sadness.

Finally, if your obsession with this particular woman Prime Minister of New Zealand is causing you distress and affecting your daily life, it may be wise to seek professional help. A therapist or counsellor can help you to process your feelings of rage and pain at being so completely irrelevant to the political life of a foreign country.

Remember, it's important to take care of yourself and your well-being during this difficult period. Give yourself time to heal, and eventually you will find someone else upon whom to fix your all-consuming neurosis. I can promise you that.

Sincerely,

Heart to Heart: Navigating the Journey of Love with Alien Sideboob’s Advice to the Lovelorn.