I'm voting for Cthulhu again!

My friends, I've been thinking about voting for Cthulhu again.

Now, before you throw that net on me, let's just think back on the last time we did this.

I'll admit that the promises to devour all of humanity and plunge the world into eternal darkness were initially concerning. But you know what's more concerning? Politicians who take us for granted. Politicians who don't keep their promises. And say what you will about Mr. Cthulhu, when he promises that we shall all suffer forever in the roiling acids of his seventh stomach, you know you got some tummy time coming.

I've been watching the coverage from this week's Eldritch Horrors Convention and - well, not directly watching of course, because that way lies unutterable madness - but I've been catching up with the hot takes on cable, and once you get past the hellish screaming of all the tortured souls, you can tell that he's really speaking to the everyday concerns of average voters.

On the economy, for instance, Mr. Cthulhu's plan to collapse all that is known and real into a spectral singularity of infernal suffering might sound unusual, but think about the productivity gains that must surely follow the unleashing Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos, upon our overregulated finance markets. Meanwhile, Mr. Cthulhu's promise to appoint Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, to grow the gig economy by a hundred million wailing wretches isn't just some Chamber of Commerce talking point. Having thus spake, it is now preordained.

I know some of you are concerned about His temperament. The random outbursts of tentacles, the constant dripping of ichorous fluids and the way reality warps around His unknowable form.

It's unconventional, for sure.

But it's also the only way this country is ever going to come together.

For too long now, we've been beset by partisan bickering and politics as usual. But disunity and inharmoniousness will vanish like a dream when we're all one with the Outer Dark! A beautiful dream of a creeping terror and the crawling void.

Others of you have cautioned that after Mr. Cthulhu's last administration, we cannot trust him not to make common cause with his rival Lords of all the Underrealms. But to be honest, this is something on which you can totally take his slobbering word. Unlike his opponents in this election, Mr. Cthulhu does not seek to make war on Azathoth, the Blind Idiot God or Hastur, the Unspeakable One. Indeed he recognises within them much to be admired and even emulated, especially as regards the ultimate fate of his opponents and all who oppose the inevitable triumph of the Old Ones.

Let's face it, people: Earth's standing in the interdimensional community has never been lower. But Mr. Cthulhu has connections across the dimensions, and he will put us back on the cosmic map - as a smouldering ruin or a howling wasteland, it hardly matters. What matters is being there!

I'm not saying he's perfect. He is an abomination from beyond time and space, after all. But who among us isn't? Seriously. Mr. Cthulhu's parasite minions are waiting to take your name.

So this November, I'm choosing to look past the writhing masses of tentacles and the yawning void of madness. I'm voting for change - the kind of change that restructures the very fabric of existence. Because if we have to choose between the lesser of two evils, why not go for the greatest evil of all?