A few weeks into this sprawling mess of a half-national lockdown, I imagined that I was going to die. I was in a doctor’s office, talking to a respiratory specialist about the strange chest infection I’d been carrying around since early May.
A fortnight earlier, on the first day of the latest mini-lockdown in Brisbane, I’d taken myself off to Greenslopes Hospital for some scans. Or so I imagined. Instead, they came at me with something that looked like the needle a second or third generation Terminator might use to inseminate captive human hosts with machine spawn.
Into my lungs it went, and out came half a litre of rank, brown mystery-meat juice.
Then I had my scans.
To be fair, it was a good deal. I felt a helluva lot better with that evil brown flux sucked out, and I thought medical science had done it again.
JB was saved!
Kind of a bummer then to have this respiratory specialist tell me in her Very Serious Voice that the scans showed ‘nodules’ in my lungs.
She spun her laptop around and I looked at them on the screen. There was even a helpful animation.
And there they were. She wanted to send another specialist in, a surgeon this time, to grab up those nodules, and rip ‘em out. As a bonus they would siphon off all the leftover mystery juice. There was heaps, apparently.
At this point, I’m trying to stay cool, but I’m reeling a bit. I thought I’d dodged all the big bullets. I’d thought all I needed was some mad strong Lemsip.
But the doc wasn’t having any of my guff. Lung nodules in a guy like me, with a history of melanoma? Not a good look, fam.
“When can we get you into surgery?”
“Well I’ve got a manuscript to finish. That’ll take about five weeks, and then…”
She cut me off.
“We don’t have five weeks.”
Awkward silence.
“Oh. I see.”
A few days later I was in pre-op, in my backless gown and see-through undies, not feeling even a little bit sexy.
I remember commenting on the Spotify playlist as they wheeled me into theatre. Solid 90s power ballads. Crunchy guitars. Good times. I remembered that my writer bro Nick Earls was due for his own appointment with the blade very soon and I wondered if he might pass through this very room.
(In fact he had already been and gone, just a couple of weeks earlier. And yes, we did get the same operating table as they chopped us up like a sushi buffet).
I remember the countdown for the anaesthesiologist. I got from 20 all the way down to 11.
Cos I’m hard, guvnor, rock ‘ard.
And I remember slowly coming back to consciousness in the intensive care unit. When they realised I was awake they swooped with all the machines that go ping. We got real busy for an hour so in the ol’ ICU before things calmed down again. I kicked back and checked it all out. I was supposed to be writing a scene set in a hospital and here was the perfect chance to sprinkle a little participant-observer pixie dust on the copy. The thing that struck me was the way they spun order from complexity. There were a lot of beds in that unit and we all needed intensive care, naturally.
In my drugged delirium the staff were like Gods the way the took the bloody chaos and trauma of bodies come apart and somehow magicked it all into quiet harmony and procedure. They were men and women, some natives of the city, and many come from all corners of the world.
The other thing I noticed - they were teachers. There seemed to be student nurses or maybe trainee doctors scattered through the unit, and they were constantly checked and tested and scrutinised by the older nurses.
It was a joy to simply watch them work. (Except for my sponge bath. They had my condolences for that one, the poor bastards).
The cutting work done on me was by no means the gnarliest surgery that day. But it was enough to lay me low. I was in ICU for two days, never moving from my trolley, full of holes and tubes, pissing in a plastic bottle.
Eventually physio arrived to see if I could walk.
I could shuffle, after a fashion, and so we shuffled off to Recovery.
I was three days in Recovery, waiting on the biopsies. I did not so much fear the worst as simply expect it. That’s an old quirk. I anticipate the worst and dare the fates to disappoint.
Because of COVID restrictions I could have no visitors. This eased off a little later, but for the first few days I was alone in my room—a very nice room—with only the nurses for company. But they were such, great, great nurses.
I could FaceTime my family, and I did.
But mostly I was on my own, waiting for the surgeon to confirm what we all knew.
On Saturday, three things happened.
A young, otherwise healthy woman, Adriana Takara, a 38-year-old accounting student, died of COVID in Sydney.
Thousands of protestors marched through the streets of the same city (and through Melbourne and Brisbane) raging against lockdowns, and masks, and black helicopters, and 5G nanobots, and Jewish space lasers and whatever and ever amen.
And my surgeon came with the results of the biopsies.
I watched the protests from a vast remove. I followed them on streaming news sites and via the firehose of tweeted outrage. But I couldn’t feel the same rage as everyone else watching on, aghast. I felt like I was already done with the world and rage was a waste of what time and energies were left to me.
But at that remove I still felt something.
I felt for the nurses and doctors and who would have to deal with the outbreaks that would surely come from this madness. I felt for Phil, my ICU nurse, who threw everything he had into caring for me the day I got out of surgery, a long, exhausting day for both of us, before he went home in the evening to cook risotto for his family.
Fucking risotto! Are you kidding me, Phil?
The most laborious of the rice dishes.
I felt for Kingsley, my night nurse in ICU, who had moved here from the UK and hadn’t been able to see his family at home since Ms Rona took all of that away from us.
I felt for Anne, who got me through a tough day in Recovery, and missed the Olympics opener because her daughter wanted to watch… I dunno… some kids movie she’d probably seen a hundred times before.
My memories aren’t great and records from that era are spotty at best.
I found myself thinking, why should these guys, who are the best people, have to suffer because of those guys at that protest, who are the worst?
Well, why should they?
No reason, of course. It’s just how things are.
Because a hard working and truly compassionate nurse should totes face lethal risk just so some dangerous Tik Tok idiot can buff his brand of performative wanknuffery for a small but deeply disturbed audience of fringe dwelling monoturds.
That’s just how we live now.
It felt weird, lying in that hospital bed, punctured and plugged in and monitored and alone, to contemplate where it was all going.
And then my surgeon arrived, and he was smiling, and it was the first time I’d really seen a doctor smile at me or for me, in a couple of months.
The biopsies were all clear, he said.
I was plenty sick, but the nodules were most likely an imaging artefact.
I received this happy news on the day Adriana Takara struggled for her last breaths, and Jon-Bernard Kairouz the Tik Tok Covid Numbers Guy guy filled his lungs to roar out that he was the ‘People’s Premier’ and he was protesting for ‘free dumb’.
It all seemed connected and disconnected and freighted with meaning and meaningless.
By the end of the day, however, Kairouz had deleted any evidence of his having been at the rally, perhaps thinking he could claim that his earlier livestream from the event was some sort of imaging artefact too.
Apologies if this has been a meandering ramble of a post. I pecked it out over the course of the week because it’s been hard to hold a thought in my head.
Good to know you're on the mend..I have to admit I was worried (in a manly way of course) of how this article would end.
As for those dickhead peanuts out protesting masks and lockdowns and vaccination etc fuck them indeed! I've found it interesting that it seems (generally speaking), that those to left of politics who traditionally are the ones who doubt, question, protest and rebel, are the ones supporting the lockdowns, masks, rules for keeping the pandemic at bay so that we can all survive and get past this current pandemic. While those to the right of of politics who traditionally support rules, law and order and are happy to yell at any protesters telling them to 'get a hair cut and job!' and like to just say 'lock'em all up' to those inclined to protest and rally, are the ones that are currently doing all the protesting and rebelling at the various measures in place to deal with the pandemic...interesting
Totally agree. I was furious (but not surprised) today to hear the NSW police commissioner blame “extremists on the right & extremists on the left” for last Satuday’s demonstrations. Maybe he was doing it for “balance”, or maybe this RWNJ can’t admit the number of actual idiotic lawbreakers on the right are a legion, but it was nonsense
Identity politics is a strange thing. A chunk of the right - the NeoCon nutbags, not the old school moderate conservatives - has been brainwashed by libertarian thinktanks like the IPA to equate "freedom" with "complete lack of responsibility to others", when in fact their freedom ends where someone else's begins. What these people completely miss is that every right comes hand-in-hand with a responsibility as a feedback system.
For someone who "can't hold a thought in my head" you really nailed that TikTok schmuck and his lunatic fringe friends who attended the rally. The funniest thing is that it was just reported that one of the protestors has tested positive!! Karma for the self indulgent!! Hope the recovery goes well. Ian
Glad to hear you're through that. Not gonna lie, having my two favourite Brisbane authors (who got me through a lot of life's unexpected events over the years) both go into hospital at roughly the same time was all a little too close to home. You guys are invincible in my head.
Great article as usual too. I hope history looks back on our medical professionals as the heroes they are, especially during this crazy rona time.
Here's wishing you both a speedy recovery. Still waiting on updates from Nick.
Read to the end with heart in mouth. Was fucking hoping you weren't burying the very bad news lead... Glad you're on the road back to health. Go well, sir.
It has been a strange week to get good news. But among the good news is your smiley doctor. A great post that captured the current weirdness. Look after yourself.
Yes, a great post, thanks for sharing and I hope everything goes well for you; must be a relief to get that biopsy result. And fuck those protesting dickheads.
“We don’t have 5 weeks.” Christ JB that was real heart in mouth stuff. I’m so glad you got a happy ending and your lungs cleared of that bong water.
Can confirm the angelic nature of medical staff, and in particular ICU nurses. When my dad was in the ICU in April after bowel surgery and being ornery and uncooperative they had the grace to thank me for stepping in and getting him to behave himself for a sponge bath while I apologised profusely for his uncharacteristic grumpiness. To thank ME when I owed them everything for looking after Dad… angels.
I was very happy to read that the doc had a smile on his face when he came with the news. The bad guy lives and we're all the richer for it. And absolutely loved your End of Days Trilogy. Encore, encore!
I read this with a knot in my chest waiting for the diagnosis. Glad you had imaging artifacts and not the dreaded C word. Enough with the euphemisms. Get well soon.
Hooray for the fab healthcare workers. (Risotto!) Well 'ard guv.
Your post certainly resonates and triggers all those feelings after a similar time in hospital. It's sad and beautiful. Think of the doctors and nurses doing everything they could to save Adriana. Their devastation losing her. Watching her goodbyes. Getting home and seeing that protest on the news. Such dedicated, highly trained people on the inside. Such fuckwits on the street. Recover well JB.
Feel better soon JB! Such a relief the news was good!!
You are quite correct that all our doctors, nurses, admin staff, cleaners and everyone else that puts themselves at risk to keep us all healthy shouldn't have to be exposed to the idiocy of all the numpties that rail against their perceived persecution in their efforts for 'free dumb'.
I'm pleased you got the long straw, mate, truly pleased. My biopsy came back lung cancer. Prep for CT
So they prepped me for ct and too a shedload of pictures. It turns out the marks on my liver were tumors. Small, right now, but looking to impress daddy by growing and spreading.
On the win side for my team is the immuno markets. My lung tumor expresses the markers over 95% of the tumor. Suitable for immunotherapy treatment. Which if you take chemo as poison that could wipe out a small inn, immunotherapy is like a poison that can wipe out a small city - but I'm immune to it. At least my normal cells are. The cancerous bastards are currently frying in a chemical soup from hell which is my circulatory system.
Will I win? Don't know. I'm going to fight for my 4 year old daughter. The chemo I get every three weeks and is incredibly potent. Then a rest then another session of chemo.
Thank you all for the kind comments. Just been through the worst chemo session so far. I was sicker than Baldrick's left testicle. A lot of glowing and sweating. The occasional cough that would turn into a 30 minute heaving session with nothing left to come up... It was pretty grim.
The good news is that they don't stint on the meds when you have cancer. Lorazipam for sleeping, MS Contin morning and night (long lasting morphine), Ordine (liquid morphine, fast acting) on demand. Add steroids antibiotics, anti-inflammatory and a bunch of other stuff and I walked with a kind of muffled rattle.
I stayed on this regime for a few weeks (with chemo thrown in every third week) before I was allowed home. My life, forever changed. As I couldn't see what benefits I was getting from the MD Contin (morphine) I just ditched it. Stopped taking it. I wasn't in pain anyway and all it was doing was making me constipated. And morphine acquired constipation is no fucking joke... And then we discovered curious. I appear to be immune to morphine. It neither helps nor hinders me. It just does - nothing. After being on the dosages I was on I should have been in extreme discomfort at best, writhing, sweating agony at worst - or so they told me. But me? Nothing. Zilch. The constipation got better but that's about it.
I kept taking the liquid shit - Ordine - as that did help with breathlessness but I've binned the pill form
Anyway - this is Johns tale so I'll stop trying to hijack his audience and get back to my own occasional scribbling on Twitter.
Wishing you all the luck! Must've been a huge shock for you and your family. Hope it's some consolation they found the little bastards early. So glad you're suitable for immunotherapy; you've got the best treatment on your side, and the strongest motivation, to win this fight. A powerful combination! Wishing you well.
JB, you are the only non-medical person I've heard say exactly what I say about ICU nursing. We bring order out of chaos. Well observed and very please to hear the good news.
This is just a beautiful piece of writing. I had the same experiences with nursing staff after major surgery. They were all great, but my favourite was the one who claimed he was the fastest nurse in Australia, as we hurtled down to imaging etc, screaming “out of the way! Out of the way! Emergency!” As he slammed my hospital bed around corners, and really picked up speed on the long corridors, I was helpless with laughter and gave him a Christmas cake I had been brought as a gift. To my great shame he was soo grateful, saying it would be a real treat for the team at morning tea. People don’t usually thank them 🥲
I was in a fair while - Box Hill Hospital. Most nights the wife would bring chocolate for nurses station. I'd keep some spare for the Vampires (pathology) when they came to take their morning bloods
So glad you’re back in the land of the living. Yes, nurses are awesome, doctors amazing & despite all the idiocy of mobs “educated” by social media, when it comes to medical science we are indeed living in an age of wonders
Oh you do know how to keep us in suspense you writerly bastard. Glad to hear you dodged another bullet and hope you recover real quick. Now though I'm happy to be able to tell my Bubble Buddy that this pain in the jaw that I feared might be an approaching toothache is probably just an imaging artefact. Phew! Oh yeah, and double fuck those numbskull mouth breathing lockdown protesters.
There's no doubt our health workers are all goddamn angels. It is one of the most humbling experiences to be cared for in a hospital, when we are at our most vulnerable. Great to hear you're ok, we need your brutal insights more than ever. And yes, fuck the Tik Tok wanker, and fuck all those selfish arseholes who can't find it within themselves to do something for the communal good.
In my dotage the experiances of a life time have brought me to the realisation that a very large percentage of the population are either deaf, dumb, blind or stupid. Some are a combination of all four, I should add another category to the list. The worsed of them all are the bat shit bonkers bozos who idolise Alan Jones. The news that he may team up with John Laws frightens me more than Lachlan Murdoch's ascent to the throne.
For nurses and doctors it's not just a job, it's a calling.
For a long time I've been impressed by the medical people. Seen them in action a fair bit. Now you had the chance, JB. They did what they did, patched you up and sent you home smiling. It was a win for our men and women in white, and a chance for all of us to marvel at their miraculous routine.
Well sheesh. You don't get an email like that every two and a half minutes. Or even more than about once in a year. Congratulations, firstly on your recovery, and secondly on this remarkable piece of writing about it. And yes, stuff the Tik Tok imbecile and every damn single member of his brain-dead demonstrating cohort.
Jesus Christ, JB! My heart was in my mouth and I had a sick feeling the whole time I was reading this. You may be unwell but you haven't lost your mad skills for suspense! So happy you doing better.
Can still write a thriller i see guv. Heart was in my mouth waiting for the results. I’ve worked with nurses and doctors and health care professionals for a long time and can confirm that they are indeed the best people on the planet. While the rest of us rail at the fucksticks from the protest, the health folks must be silently terrified. Look after urself JB - you’re a national fucking treasure. And well ‘ard
Finally got around to reading this beautiful piece of wordmastery, thank you John. I hope you have recovered completely by now? The 'my body my choice' anti-vaccers and fuckbucket protestors drive me so crazy - they are no less ridiculous than the idiots who partied in the streets of Richmond over the weekend. I'm starting to think that the ONLY way for people like these to learn what their actions mean, would be to force them to sit with a sick Covid patient for the entirety of their illness - in an ICU - even better if it's someone they made sick AND then have to apologise to their families. But ugh... you're right... the world doesn't work like that. Existence does not make sense and the world is not fair. :(
John: I've been travelling - missed this. Shocked - and then relieved. I've just read the messages from your ever growing readership - at times I had to check it wasn't you writing their messages - how beautifully they write - and in your style! Very, very glad things have turned out well - and moved by your tributes to the hospital people! Deserved! Cheers, Jim
JB I know I am late to the party with this but I have heard that the protest in Sydney was not all about Free dumbs or Antivaxxers - there were some people who were there because they don't qualify for the $600 per week in disaster payments - if you got any form of government assistance you did not get the $600 even if you lost the rest of your income . Even that doesn't go far if you are renting in Sydney and wouldn't cover the mortgage or rent and pay bills if you are supporting a family.
It isn't a surprise that they have increased the disaster payments by $150 to $750 per week. They should have brought back jobkeeper and increased the jobseeker payment to what it was the first time we went in lockdown. If they had done this some people who have to go to their casual or gig economy job could stay at home with some security of getting an income.
The other issues with the handling of the lockdown is that Jobkeeper was axed with the idea being that the state premiers would not be able to lockdown again without some blow back from people not getting wages and businesses closing. Then there is the fact that Smoko has had the offer of ADF support on the table for a while and it has only just been taken up by the NSW government. Oh and given the mixed messaging that my people in Sydney have been getting it comes as no surprise that there is a lot of confusion about what people can do in lockdown eg can they just go 10km from their homes or 5km or just remain in their LGA?
Given NSW was set up by Smoko as the gold standard of COVID management it lends me to suspect that politics are being played here - Rupe has given Daniel Andrews and Anastasia Palaszczuk a shellacking in the Herald Sun, Courier Mail and the Oz,I suspect that Gladys Berejiklian was gun shy about locking Sydney down when it really should have been done hard and fast.
The other thing is I can't believe that given the Victoria Police had similar protests in Melbourne during their lockdown - the NSW Police were completely taken by surprise by this protest. While I agree that the protest against the lockdown is to stopping Covid like King Canute ordering the tide to go back, NSW and other states have been cracking down on protests and dissent before the pandemic in such a way that NSW was starting to resemble Joh's Qld.
Just my 5 cents on this issue but I am in Canberra which is not under lockdown. My Sister and Brother in-law and my nephews and niece and a lot of my family are under lockdown in Sydney. It isn't looking good for the long term
Thanks for all the kind words, everyone.
Good to know you're on the mend..I have to admit I was worried (in a manly way of course) of how this article would end.
As for those dickhead peanuts out protesting masks and lockdowns and vaccination etc fuck them indeed! I've found it interesting that it seems (generally speaking), that those to left of politics who traditionally are the ones who doubt, question, protest and rebel, are the ones supporting the lockdowns, masks, rules for keeping the pandemic at bay so that we can all survive and get past this current pandemic. While those to the right of of politics who traditionally support rules, law and order and are happy to yell at any protesters telling them to 'get a hair cut and job!' and like to just say 'lock'em all up' to those inclined to protest and rally, are the ones that are currently doing all the protesting and rebelling at the various measures in place to deal with the pandemic...interesting
Totally agree. I was furious (but not surprised) today to hear the NSW police commissioner blame “extremists on the right & extremists on the left” for last Satuday’s demonstrations. Maybe he was doing it for “balance”, or maybe this RWNJ can’t admit the number of actual idiotic lawbreakers on the right are a legion, but it was nonsense
Identity politics is a strange thing. A chunk of the right - the NeoCon nutbags, not the old school moderate conservatives - has been brainwashed by libertarian thinktanks like the IPA to equate "freedom" with "complete lack of responsibility to others", when in fact their freedom ends where someone else's begins. What these people completely miss is that every right comes hand-in-hand with a responsibility as a feedback system.
It's because we live in a reality-based community.
For someone who "can't hold a thought in my head" you really nailed that TikTok schmuck and his lunatic fringe friends who attended the rally. The funniest thing is that it was just reported that one of the protestors has tested positive!! Karma for the self indulgent!! Hope the recovery goes well. Ian
Glad to hear you're through that. Not gonna lie, having my two favourite Brisbane authors (who got me through a lot of life's unexpected events over the years) both go into hospital at roughly the same time was all a little too close to home. You guys are invincible in my head.
Great article as usual too. I hope history looks back on our medical professionals as the heroes they are, especially during this crazy rona time.
Here's wishing you both a speedy recovery. Still waiting on updates from Nick.
Read to the end with heart in mouth. Was fucking hoping you weren't burying the very bad news lead... Glad you're on the road back to health. Go well, sir.
Nothing meandering about it, straight to the heart of the chaos that is our current day.
Another "knife's edge thriller"? Erm...yeah...thanks for that. The ending was THE BEST. Stay well.
Glad to hear the doc was smiling, wishing you the gold standard of recoveries. We can't do this shit show without Alien Sideboob.
It has been a strange week to get good news. But among the good news is your smiley doctor. A great post that captured the current weirdness. Look after yourself.
Yes, a great post, thanks for sharing and I hope everything goes well for you; must be a relief to get that biopsy result. And fuck those protesting dickheads.
“We don’t have 5 weeks.” Christ JB that was real heart in mouth stuff. I’m so glad you got a happy ending and your lungs cleared of that bong water.
Can confirm the angelic nature of medical staff, and in particular ICU nurses. When my dad was in the ICU in April after bowel surgery and being ornery and uncooperative they had the grace to thank me for stepping in and getting him to behave himself for a sponge bath while I apologised profusely for his uncharacteristic grumpiness. To thank ME when I owed them everything for looking after Dad… angels.
You wouldn’t think we’d need to explain that you don’t inhale bong water but it appears that’s where we are
I was very happy to read that the doc had a smile on his face when he came with the news. The bad guy lives and we're all the richer for it. And absolutely loved your End of Days Trilogy. Encore, encore!
Good to know you're on the mend. Ignore your deadlines and enjoy some family and pet time - if possible.
Mate so happy for you and the family it worked out here. As for the writing sublime as always.
Long time reader, first time writer.
I read this with a knot in my chest waiting for the diagnosis. Glad you had imaging artifacts and not the dreaded C word. Enough with the euphemisms. Get well soon.
Hooray for the fab healthcare workers. (Risotto!) Well 'ard guv.
Edit: ^artefact
Your post certainly resonates and triggers all those feelings after a similar time in hospital. It's sad and beautiful. Think of the doctors and nurses doing everything they could to save Adriana. Their devastation losing her. Watching her goodbyes. Getting home and seeing that protest on the news. Such dedicated, highly trained people on the inside. Such fuckwits on the street. Recover well JB.
Feel better soon JB! Such a relief the news was good!!
You are quite correct that all our doctors, nurses, admin staff, cleaners and everyone else that puts themselves at risk to keep us all healthy shouldn't have to be exposed to the idiocy of all the numpties that rail against their perceived persecution in their efforts for 'free dumb'.
Glad to hear you're doing ok.
I wish you a speedy recovery.
Also, fuck that guy in Sydney.
With a cactus. Sideways
Don’t forget the pineapples...
Wow, talk about a tough week. Glad there was light at the end of it, I’m sure your family are mighty relieved.
Get better soon big fella, that gold plated hovercraft ain’t gonna fly itself.....
All the very best for a full recovery. So glad it was good news.
yeah - nurses are great aye. And never was an artifact more welcome.
All the best for your recovery John
Glad you are staying on this side of the lawn. Hope you get through recovery and back to work ASAP.
Absolutely fuck that guy. Reallllly glad you’re ok JB. Take care and rest up x
No need to apologise: great post. I hope recovery goes well for you.
I'm pleased you got the long straw, mate, truly pleased. My biopsy came back lung cancer. Prep for CT
So they prepped me for ct and too a shedload of pictures. It turns out the marks on my liver were tumors. Small, right now, but looking to impress daddy by growing and spreading.
On the win side for my team is the immuno markets. My lung tumor expresses the markers over 95% of the tumor. Suitable for immunotherapy treatment. Which if you take chemo as poison that could wipe out a small inn, immunotherapy is like a poison that can wipe out a small city - but I'm immune to it. At least my normal cells are. The cancerous bastards are currently frying in a chemical soup from hell which is my circulatory system.
Will I win? Don't know. I'm going to fight for my 4 year old daughter. The chemo I get every three weeks and is incredibly potent. Then a rest then another session of chemo.
Wish me luck
What a bastard. Good luck, mate.
Thank you all for the kind comments. Just been through the worst chemo session so far. I was sicker than Baldrick's left testicle. A lot of glowing and sweating. The occasional cough that would turn into a 30 minute heaving session with nothing left to come up... It was pretty grim.
The good news is that they don't stint on the meds when you have cancer. Lorazipam for sleeping, MS Contin morning and night (long lasting morphine), Ordine (liquid morphine, fast acting) on demand. Add steroids antibiotics, anti-inflammatory and a bunch of other stuff and I walked with a kind of muffled rattle.
I stayed on this regime for a few weeks (with chemo thrown in every third week) before I was allowed home. My life, forever changed. As I couldn't see what benefits I was getting from the MD Contin (morphine) I just ditched it. Stopped taking it. I wasn't in pain anyway and all it was doing was making me constipated. And morphine acquired constipation is no fucking joke... And then we discovered curious. I appear to be immune to morphine. It neither helps nor hinders me. It just does - nothing. After being on the dosages I was on I should have been in extreme discomfort at best, writhing, sweating agony at worst - or so they told me. But me? Nothing. Zilch. The constipation got better but that's about it.
I kept taking the liquid shit - Ordine - as that did help with breathlessness but I've binned the pill form
Anyway - this is Johns tale so I'll stop trying to hijack his audience and get back to my own occasional scribbling on Twitter.
Cheers
Legless
Best of wishes for the journey ahead. I hope your little girl knows how special her dad is!
Wishing you all the luck! Must've been a huge shock for you and your family. Hope it's some consolation they found the little bastards early. So glad you're suitable for immunotherapy; you've got the best treatment on your side, and the strongest motivation, to win this fight. A powerful combination! Wishing you well.
JB, you are the only non-medical person I've heard say exactly what I say about ICU nursing. We bring order out of chaos. Well observed and very please to hear the good news.
I decorated my medic for valor. He deserved it. Respect for the medical people.
This is just a beautiful piece of writing. I had the same experiences with nursing staff after major surgery. They were all great, but my favourite was the one who claimed he was the fastest nurse in Australia, as we hurtled down to imaging etc, screaming “out of the way! Out of the way! Emergency!” As he slammed my hospital bed around corners, and really picked up speed on the long corridors, I was helpless with laughter and gave him a Christmas cake I had been brought as a gift. To my great shame he was soo grateful, saying it would be a real treat for the team at morning tea. People don’t usually thank them 🥲
I was in a fair while - Box Hill Hospital. Most nights the wife would bring chocolate for nurses station. I'd keep some spare for the Vampires (pathology) when they came to take their morning bloods
So glad you’re back in the land of the living. Yes, nurses are awesome, doctors amazing & despite all the idiocy of mobs “educated” by social media, when it comes to medical science we are indeed living in an age of wonders
Oh you do know how to keep us in suspense you writerly bastard. Glad to hear you dodged another bullet and hope you recover real quick. Now though I'm happy to be able to tell my Bubble Buddy that this pain in the jaw that I feared might be an approaching toothache is probably just an imaging artefact. Phew! Oh yeah, and double fuck those numbskull mouth breathing lockdown protesters.
There's no doubt our health workers are all goddamn angels. It is one of the most humbling experiences to be cared for in a hospital, when we are at our most vulnerable. Great to hear you're ok, we need your brutal insights more than ever. And yes, fuck the Tik Tok wanker, and fuck all those selfish arseholes who can't find it within themselves to do something for the communal good.
Jesus, John. Glad to hear you be with us a while yet. Hope you mend fast.
The drugs or whatever complement your writing nicely. A searing piece - not that I am suggesting you should do this again.
In my dotage the experiances of a life time have brought me to the realisation that a very large percentage of the population are either deaf, dumb, blind or stupid. Some are a combination of all four, I should add another category to the list. The worsed of them all are the bat shit bonkers bozos who idolise Alan Jones. The news that he may team up with John Laws frightens me more than Lachlan Murdoch's ascent to the throne.
For nurses and doctors it's not just a job, it's a calling.
I'm glad you pulled through.
For a long time I've been impressed by the medical people. Seen them in action a fair bit. Now you had the chance, JB. They did what they did, patched you up and sent you home smiling. It was a win for our men and women in white, and a chance for all of us to marvel at their miraculous routine.
Well sheesh. You don't get an email like that every two and a half minutes. Or even more than about once in a year. Congratulations, firstly on your recovery, and secondly on this remarkable piece of writing about it. And yes, stuff the Tik Tok imbecile and every damn single member of his brain-dead demonstrating cohort.
Christ what a journey. I’m glad you’re going to be ok. Fucking excellent writing actually made me cry just a bit.
Great read, glad you are okay, and thank you.
Jesus Christ, JB! My heart was in my mouth and I had a sick feeling the whole time I was reading this. You may be unwell but you haven't lost your mad skills for suspense! So happy you doing better.
Can still write a thriller i see guv. Heart was in my mouth waiting for the results. I’ve worked with nurses and doctors and health care professionals for a long time and can confirm that they are indeed the best people on the planet. While the rest of us rail at the fucksticks from the protest, the health folks must be silently terrified. Look after urself JB - you’re a national fucking treasure. And well ‘ard
I'm in a weird place today. We buried a friend taken too soon. Maybe that's why this column resonates so much today.
Glad you're not dying.
Make the remaining days worth while. All the days.
I was holding my breath toward the end. Thank f*ck for your results. No more words left. 🥺
This one is a pearler JB. And our medicos (especially the nurses) are under-appreciated. You've done them a solid with this piece.
Also, fuck that guy in Sydney!
I farkin love you JB.
Also, fuck that guy in Sydney.
Good pecking.
Finally got around to reading this beautiful piece of wordmastery, thank you John. I hope you have recovered completely by now? The 'my body my choice' anti-vaccers and fuckbucket protestors drive me so crazy - they are no less ridiculous than the idiots who partied in the streets of Richmond over the weekend. I'm starting to think that the ONLY way for people like these to learn what their actions mean, would be to force them to sit with a sick Covid patient for the entirety of their illness - in an ICU - even better if it's someone they made sick AND then have to apologise to their families. But ugh... you're right... the world doesn't work like that. Existence does not make sense and the world is not fair. :(
Thanks Lana. I'm slowly getting better. Trying to walk a few minutes more each day. Up to an hour now.
John: I've been travelling - missed this. Shocked - and then relieved. I've just read the messages from your ever growing readership - at times I had to check it wasn't you writing their messages - how beautifully they write - and in your style! Very, very glad things have turned out well - and moved by your tributes to the hospital people! Deserved! Cheers, Jim
Beautiful writing.
JB I know I am late to the party with this but I have heard that the protest in Sydney was not all about Free dumbs or Antivaxxers - there were some people who were there because they don't qualify for the $600 per week in disaster payments - if you got any form of government assistance you did not get the $600 even if you lost the rest of your income . Even that doesn't go far if you are renting in Sydney and wouldn't cover the mortgage or rent and pay bills if you are supporting a family.
It isn't a surprise that they have increased the disaster payments by $150 to $750 per week. They should have brought back jobkeeper and increased the jobseeker payment to what it was the first time we went in lockdown. If they had done this some people who have to go to their casual or gig economy job could stay at home with some security of getting an income.
The other issues with the handling of the lockdown is that Jobkeeper was axed with the idea being that the state premiers would not be able to lockdown again without some blow back from people not getting wages and businesses closing. Then there is the fact that Smoko has had the offer of ADF support on the table for a while and it has only just been taken up by the NSW government. Oh and given the mixed messaging that my people in Sydney have been getting it comes as no surprise that there is a lot of confusion about what people can do in lockdown eg can they just go 10km from their homes or 5km or just remain in their LGA?
Given NSW was set up by Smoko as the gold standard of COVID management it lends me to suspect that politics are being played here - Rupe has given Daniel Andrews and Anastasia Palaszczuk a shellacking in the Herald Sun, Courier Mail and the Oz,I suspect that Gladys Berejiklian was gun shy about locking Sydney down when it really should have been done hard and fast.
The other thing is I can't believe that given the Victoria Police had similar protests in Melbourne during their lockdown - the NSW Police were completely taken by surprise by this protest. While I agree that the protest against the lockdown is to stopping Covid like King Canute ordering the tide to go back, NSW and other states have been cracking down on protests and dissent before the pandemic in such a way that NSW was starting to resemble Joh's Qld.
Just my 5 cents on this issue but I am in Canberra which is not under lockdown. My Sister and Brother in-law and my nephews and niece and a lot of my family are under lockdown in Sydney. It isn't looking good for the long term
Take your time getting back to full power, John. as someone infamous once said, “It’s not a race.” Best wishes.