The Top Ten Reasons I’m Voting For Dutts in 2024!

It’s exciting how much everyone in all the newspapers is excited about the inevitable rise and unstoppable victory of Peter Dutton next year, and I hate to miss out on anything, so here are my Top Ten Reasons I’m Leaning Tuber in 2024!

1. Because my television died and my other television is downstairs and every single one of the 23 other screens I could watch television on in my house are somewhere else in the house and what am I supposed to do, Mister Albanese, walk all the way over to my iPad or my other bigger iPad or something?

2. Because even when my big television worked, I watched a show on it that I wanted to like, but it was terrible, and if I can’t be happy, nobody can, so give me that ballot paper right now, I’m voting for Dutts!

3. Because the woke fake news media reported all those lies about Alan Jones touching fellows on the winky, and Peter Dutton looks like a giant winky, and I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but when I think about winkies it makes me confused and angry like Alan Jones. Vote One, Dutts!

4. Because I used to make a very good living writing jokes about Mister Sooty Canavan, and now prices are going up, and I don’t even know where Mister Canavan is, but I’m one hundred per cent sure that under Prime Minister Dutts life will be all Sooty all the time.

5. Because if the woke left mind virus is allowed to spread there will be no freedom of speech any more because Tony Abbott and Lyle Shelton and Pauline Hanson and Mark Latham and Fred Nile and Miranda Devine and Andrew Bolt and Bernard Gaynor and Ray Hadley and Janet Albrechtson and Chris Kenny and the entire line up from Sky News After Dark will be so terrified that they will never stand up in Parliament or go on the telly or the radio, or write columns for The Australian or the Daily Telegraph or the Herald Sun ever again.

6. Because Mister Albanese spent all of my hard-earned tax dollars on setting up that National Anti-Corruption Thingy and what corruption has it even done yet, none I tell you, which is a waste of my hard-earned tax dollars, but I’m sure that Dutts will give it plenty of work to do.

7. Because if I actually paid tax in this country, I’d be paying way too much to let a bunch of unemployed layabouts Uber Eat all the Netflix television they could scoff, and there’s no way Bruce Lehrmann is getting a job unless Dutts gets back in so I’m voting Dutts to fight unemployment.

8. Because in philosopher F. W. J. Von Schelling’s unfinished work “The Ages of the World,” as well as his later dialectics of mythology of revelation from the system of the ages of the world, Von Schelling posits the idea of Man as a narrative creation, but I would posit that we are a metaphorical species and all the newspapers do love the metaphor of a tough cop on the beat and Peter Dutton was a cop and I just thought about winkies again and my mind went blank but Vote One Dutts for a Tough Cop on the Beat!

9. Because Peter Dutton was personally responsible for building the illegal detention regime that illegally held all sorts of foreign people against the law, and not one of them got out while he was boss, but as soon as Mister Albanese got in foreign illegal people got out everywhere!

10. Because thinking about winkies again, I can’t think of a single time Alan Jones tried to touch Peter Dutton anywhere, and he’s the biggest winky of all, and they were always sitting in that small radio room together on his radio show, but I thought about winkies again, and now I’m feeling all hot and dizzy. Vote One Dutts!