Work from home, as a dinky-di Chinese spy!

We’re switching it up a little today with a lucky dip of topics because… well, it's my column and I can.

You may not know who Innes Willox is. Yet, you are undoubtedly familiar with his work, in the same way that you would know when you had walked into a room recently occupied by a mephitic demon composed entirely of aerosolised vampire farts. Willox is one of those reliably sulphurous business lobby spokes-folks forever being invited onto the ABC to balance the discourse by belching up the shittiest possible opinion on just about anything even minimally adjacent to his paymasters’ interests.

This week’s funky thought bubble was to claim, in his capacity as CEO of the small and medium business employer association, Ai Group, that a new federal public service work-from-home deal would be ‘nauseating’ to the ‘truck drivers, plumbers, teachers, paramedics, factory workers, chefs, [and] doctors’ of this big, brown, wide, wonderful vegemite-smeared land.

Willox, who has previously covered himself in glory by lobbying against laws to criminalise wage theft, was positively frothing at just “far out of touch the federal public service, their unions and unfortunately the government are from workplace reality.” Presumably, a reality where employers should be free to steal the wages of anyone lucky enough to work for them.

His comments were approvingly reported in the Australian Financial Review which fell on them like a big hot meal. Oddly, the Fin buried the only actual data in its rollicking feelpinion piece on Willox’s tummy troubles, relegating to the arse end of the column mention of recent Bank of England research, “based on 2500 British firms” finding that there could be up to a “$29,000 a year productivity gain for every day an employee works from home”.

Honestly, if Willox were any good at his job, he’d be leading the cheer squad for Work From Home. Just look at all that extra surplus value small and medium business owners could be stealing from their employees.

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I am, of course, sympathetic to Willox, being myself a smallish employer forced to hire greedy millionaire proofreaders and slothfully prosperous cover artists for my book projects. There are some days I will confess to despairing of ever extorting enough surplus value from their labour to grow my capital to a point where I no longer have to steal anybody’s wages because I’m rich enough to live entirely on the proceeds of my crimes.

I was thus understandably intrigued by this week’s revelation of a former Australian politician suborned by the Chinese intelligence services—I assume it has to be the Chinese because nobody else can afford the asking price of your average former Australian politician.

The question arises: if one of those useless idiots can make bank selling out their country, why can’t I, immeasurably more useless and idiotic, do so too?

I have composed my pitch letter to Xi Jinping…

Dear Mister Ping

I hope this letter finds you in poor health and spirits, as I am about to make your day significantly better! I understand you have an opening in your Australian spy roster, and I would like you to consider me for the position.

Who am I? A go-getting, self-starting spy stuff enthusiast with an unmatched zeal for everything espionage and absolutely no inconvenient preconceived ideas of my own formed from even the most minimal experience in the field. Think of me as your blank canvas.

My skills include but are not limited to being a bit of a whizz at Googling things, a knack for overhearing gossip, and doing an excellent Bruce Lee imitation, even if I say so myself, which I do because it’s excellent. What else do I offer? A passport that's itching for more stamps and a willingness to wear trench coats in any climate.

I have an extensive background in watching spy movies and can offer the sort of surprising, unexpected moves that only someone utterly unfamiliar with actual espionage could bring to the table.

This, I believe, is my greatest strength. Your enemies in the West will be looking for threats from your highly-trained professionals in the Ministry of State Security (See what I did there? Google wizard at work here, Mister Ping). I, however, a high-functioning idiot with zero understanding of the grave realities of espionage, am not burdened by fears or hesitation, nor am I likely to ever be on the radar at the CIA or ASIO.

They will never see me coming because they’ll be looking for a credible threat.

I eagerly await the chance to discuss my application and include my frequent flyer number and hotel preferences for the trip.

Thank you for considering my application.

Yours sincerely

JB

(No, not Jason Bourne, but close!)

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And, just in case I’m not successful and I have to go back to the old novel-writing grift, my rollicking little spy story, Sleeper Agent, has finally escaped confinement at Audible and is now available in all formats everywhere. It’s discounted for now. But I’ll be jacking the price up and gouging like a small to medium-sized business employer in about a week. If you’d like a diverting thriller to read for the weekend, you can find a universal link here.